How do I make him realize that there is a lot of good that is worth saving?
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
Okay I am updating a little bit on my situation. Well after a lot of failed attempts to get my ex to hang out with me, I finally kind of gave up. I would call and he would never call me. Well I called him last Tuesday and he said maybe we could hang out on Friday (yesterday) depending on his work schedule. So I called him yesterday to see if we were going to, and he said he didn't remember ever telling me that. And I told him he did, and he said well I don't remember, and then I told him he said maybe and he was like well that doesn't mean we have plans. So I asked him if we were ever going to hang out again, or if I should just give up and he said "I don't know". He said he wants to be friends but he can't help it if he's busy (but I know he has at least some time to hang out, he does a lot with other friends) and he got upset at me. I told him not to get mad at me, and he was like well you keep calling me and complaining and assuming stuff, I never said I don't wanna hang out with you and I told him that I could just tell because if he did want to see me he would. He sees all his other friends. Then he said stop assuming stuff and complaining, it's annoying him, and said all I'm doing is trying to pull a guilt trip on him (which I'm not).
So yesterday I decided to give him the letter before he completely shuts me out, cuz it seems lately he is always mad at me. The first couple weeks after we broke up he was so nice and sweet and caring, now all of a sudden he is acting like he hates me almost and I don't know why, because nothing changed. So I couldnt give it to him at work because of things I can't control, so instead I went to a flower shop and got a red rose and stopped at his house and handed it to him with the letter, but did not say anything else.
He hasn't talked to me about it, but I know he read it because he wrote about it in his journal online. I dont know if he does plan on talking to me about it. This is what he wrote:
"why is it when you break up with someone they always realize what they did after its too late and then beg you to take them back after giving them so many chances while you were dating? i say if you cant fix it when you are dating then you cant fix it afterwards..it's over.
move on and deal with it. not to sound harsh or anything, but one person can only take too much of something.
if you have friends of the opposite sex, make sure that they arent a threat to your relationship. make sure your significant other is okay with the fact that one of your best friends is a person of the opposite sex, if they are not, it could lead to the situation i am in right now.
After 3 years you think that someone would have enough trust to be able to hang out with friends or go downtown or something to have a few beers. never had i cheated on a* but having friends who were girls and going downtown was a big major issue. i had never done anything to make her
yeah we got in fights everyone does, but people work through them. she used them as a way to get at me even though things happened like 10 months ago. i dont get it.
she gave me a letter today and these are the things she said about me (or she loved about me):
my pouty lips
how im kind to her
how caring i was
my sense of humour
shes never met anyone remotly like me
i never cared about getting any
my star wars obsession
my arnold obsession
the way i play guitar
the way my skin feels
the way i kiss
i respected her
i was there for her
i did things for her (liek see chick flicks)
i watched my little pony movie with her and didnt complain
i sent chills down her body (when i touched her back)
i was gentle
i put up with her
the way i heald her
i knew what to say to make her feel better
i was forgiving
i never judged her
i always wanted to see her happy
i made her feel safe
there's a lot more..but you know what..she took that for granted. i did so much for her and all i got in return was this:
when i went to kiss her she turned away
she felt threatened by my friends (mainly j*) (sorry j*)
got angry at stupid things
took me for granted
(these are all things she wrote to me by the way)
so I dont know why she did all this stuff, but she's not going to get it back. i've tried too many times to make that relationship work, i was exausted and stressed out because of it. and it took us breaking up to make her realize what she did to make it that way.
I dunno, i guess im just trying to say if you are in a realtionship dont take that person for granted, if you are in love just look at all the things that person does for you and respect that because if you dont it will end in heart break and pain."
So that is what he wrote, but he has it all wrong. It was never a trust issue with me, I knew he would never ever have cheated on me. I didn't have a problem with his friends. I was just scared of getting hurt because I had been hurt before. My intentions were right in my heart, but I was so scared they came out wrong. I wasn't scared of him cheating...I was scared of losing him, and by keeping him close to me I thought I would prevent that from happening.
Throughout our relationship, he has made huge mistakes, one where we broke up before, and he came back to me and asked for my forgiveness, begged. And I always gave it to him. This is the first time in our relationship that I have ever asked him, and I cannot believe he can't find it in his heart to give me one more chance. It is not fair. When we broke up last time he said it took that breakup to make him realize how much he loved me and the mistakes he made. But this time, when the same thing happens to me, it's too late??
I know if we got back together, that it could be amazing. If I had one chance to change because I never knew the way I was acting was destroying the relationship. We both love eachother, but he thinks that things just can't be fixed. I feel like hes just saying it's too late because he's mad at me, there's nothing in the world saying that it would never work. I have a strong faith that it would work. But I don't know how to make him realize that after 3 years this is the first big mistake I've ever made, and I have never asked him for a second chance befoer this. But he has asked me and I always forgave him. Wouldnt you think after 3 years he would be able to forgive me?? I don't know how to get him to put his anger aside, because I know if he did something could get through.
Can you help me figure out how to keep him from holding this against me? It's like he is so angry that it's all he can see. I feel like he's punishing me because he is mad. When he's mad, he's stubborn. If I could get that aside, I believe I would have a great chance. I just want him to put the anger aside and really realize that there IS a good chance. We had the best relationship, the happiest times of both of our lives. But it's like he wont think about the positive, he just holds on to the negative. How do I make him realize that there is a lot of good that is worth saving?
My advice is to give him one month with no communication.
This will give him an opportunity to get over some of his anger and give you a chance to think this all over again.
Once the month is up, I suggest contacting him and hitting him with your strongest point: you gave him chances when he screwed up and now you are asking him for one change when you screwed up.
While you are waiting the month, read over what he wrote in his journal many times until you understand it completely in your heart. He wrote out exactly what was bothering him and you need to work on fixing it before trying to get back together with him.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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