My Ex is Playing Games with me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm a 25 year old single mother of 2 children, by 2 different fathers, which unfortunately, both fathers are arch enemies. This story has so many unbelievable beginning and endings. I'll break it down in short form. We'll call the daddys RK and FB. I was with FB for 4 years, which had many ups & downs, more downs. So during a tough time I went to RK, Did this for a while behind FB's back until I became pregnant. Cut off all ties w/ FB. RK still pretended to be his friend until FB found out I was pregnant by RK.
After my beautiful baby boy was born I broke up w/ RK to be w/ FB. 3 years later we have a dughter. We break up after she was born and he now lives w/ someone new who he says he doesnt love, he says he wants to be w/ us. He's w/ us everyday, but for some reason wont move out of where he is, the new girl has gone from girlfriend to now "ROOMATE" I thought it was funny too and I dont believe a word of it.
I cant take any more of all this. If theres only a sliver of chance for me to have a complete family, I want it. I dont want to be single w/ 2 kids. When I tell him to choose, he says give him time to move, because of money but he says he chooses me. I know he still carries on w/ her as boyfriend & girlfriend.
When I tell him he cant come around till he's rid of her completely he tells me he'll miss coming over and then we have vicous arguements on custody of our girl. Yet he refuses to visit her outside of my presence so I have to sit there with him all the time, this getting to be too much all this back and forth.
I know he has issues with me because of what I've done in the past and he can't let them go. I think he thinks this is his payback, but why after we have a child and plan to spend our life together? Why would he do this 3 years and a child of our own?
First, children really want a HAPPY family and they couldn't care less if that means one mom, a grandparent, an uncle or anyone else. They would MUCH rather be in a happy family than an unhappy one. So forcing there to be "one mom and one pop" just because that's what the book say is a bad, bad idea. Kids don't care about having two parents. They care about being loved and cared for and surrounded by happiness. If they are listening to fights and yelling, that's not good.
If your ex is playing emotional games with you, that's also not healthy. The last thing you want around children is an adult that does that sort of thing. If he is capable of doing it to you, he's just as capable of doing it to them. And again, having your kids watch all of this going on is twisting what they think is "normal adult behavior". It can really cause them to have trouble when THEY grow up and try to find a boyfriend or girlfriend.
So the next time your ex comes around, explain to him that you need to do what's best for the two kids, that that is the most important thing. And that the arguments and the living situation is simply not good. The kids should not being forced to deal with nasty arguments and with a "father" that is actively emotionally attached to another woman. They deserve to have a mom who is not being distracted by all of these things.
Whatever you guys are living on, believe me, people make do with less money even than that. If your ex CHOSE to live with you he could and you guys would survive somehow. But that is not his focus. And your kids deserve to have someone who IS focussed on them, even if it's just you.
It's that simple. Right now they see someone who is claiming one thing but actively doing another. That's not a good example to be set for them. They need people in their lives who are truly dedicated to *being* there for them, 24x7. If that's not him, then he can visit on weekends, but he can't "pretend" to be something he's not. And that would clear you up to find someone who IS interested in being there all the time for the kids.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com