I seems by giving her space, we are just drifting more apart from one another and thats the last thing I want.
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but it does span over a couple months so please bear with me...
Ok here's the deal...I was going out with this girl for 2 1/2 year, streching from our last year in Prep School (the first time we met) to close to the end of our soph. years in college. Despite our youth, the relationship was very serious, discussing marrriage, kids, our occupational futures together after college. She would even say things like, she was old fassioned and I had t ask her father for permision before I proposed to her and would point out wedding bands she liked in front of her parents. So to make a long story short, we were very devoted into making our relationship last, despite the obstacles against us, the chief one being the distance, between our schools. I play a sport in college and between that and school, I could not get down to se her as much as she liked. She would constantly tell me over the phone how much she missed me and how she was depressed all the time cause she couldn't see me but the conversations would always end with her saying sorry and that she needed to learn how to deal with it. Than one day all of a sudden she says, she can't do it anymore and that she needed to take a break. Needless to say, I didn't agree with her and I tried everything to get her to change her mind, but she simply would not. Complicating the issues, we would still see one another occasionally and when we were together, it was like nothing changed. We would still sleep with one another, and basically act like bf/gf. We made plans, such as her staying over my house over summer break, and other things, that would lead anyone to believe that we were still basically going out, despite the fact we were not. Because of this, I would still call her when she went out, and inquire about what she was doing. This probably turned her off and again, seemingly out of the blue, she said we needed to officially break up. This time, we would not spend time with one another or do anything that remotely resembled us being in a relationship. Once again, I tried to stop her, by writing her long letters and calling her, saying that I could chnage, that I would make sacrifices regarding my other priorities, but she would not her it. From my standpoint, I was offering her what she wanted for the past two years, but now, all of a sudden, it was as if she didn't want it anymore. Eventually I backed off, realzing my behavior wasn't helping things, only making them worse. Taking the advice of my friends, I have given her the space she said she needed, not calling her, e-mailing her, or IM'ing her, which brings us to the present. It has been about a motnh since I stopped contacting her and I can't tell whether this behavior is helping this or making it worse. She IM's me every couple of days and we talk briefly, and she asks me questions like what have you been doing, have you been partying, so what's new...me knowing her, and the way she's asking them, all things implying that she wants to know whether I have met somone else. I act very nonchalant and say I'm having fun, working, and going out when I have time. Just the other day, she asked a mutual friend who I saw the night before at a party, what we did, and when he said we simply had fun, she responded by asking him what he meant by that. All these things lead me to believe she is thinking about me and is worried about me getting with somone else. She will also go out of her way in conversations to tell me that she is having sooo much fun partying or meeting new people, specifically this guy who she maintains is simple a "friend." From the beggining of the break she told me that she still envisioned us being together in the end, but the way this whole thing is playing out I'm starting to have my doubts. We used to talk to one another everyday, and now we talk over the computer maybe twice a week. We used to tell one another "I love you" and we no longer do that, and this is all stuff we did during the begining and on into the later part of the break. It seems like we are growing further and further distant. I know she loves me still and I love her, but I am worried I am losing the girl I love and I am letting it happen because everyone is telling me that space apart will do us good and in the end she'll realize what she had and come back to me. I guess my question is, how long should I keep doing this, give her space thing, when even though she seems to be getting a little curious about whats going on with me, she may also be taking it as I have moved on and she should to. I seems by giving her space, we are just drifting more apart from one another and thats the last thing I want.
So any advice or input regarding what could be going on in her head, or how I should approach this thing, would be greatly appreciated...thank you in advance
This is a very complicated situation and I am sorry you are in it.
Generally speaking, it appears that by giving her space you are keeping her closer to you than any other approach you might take. While it feels like drifting apart to you, it is better than a definite break.
If you have concerns about the drifting you should ask her directly and get the question out in the open. She may surprise you and say that she is feeling better about your relationship now.
But, the reality you are dealing with is that she is comfortable with the break and it is difficult to change someone's mind from long distance. I think what you are doing is the best that can be done under the circumstances and I wish you the best of luck with it.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com