I caught him cheating, now it's hard for me to go on with him

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My husband cheated on me for 3 months. I caught him and he came clean. Now i am having a hard time dealing with it. We had a great relationship. Sex was good and he had everything he wanted. I cry everyday picturing what went on when he was with this other women. When he kisses me I think he's thinking of her. He says it was a big mistake and I think that the only reason he says that is because I caught him and If I had not caught him, he would still be doing it. He says he never told me about her was because he tought that I would leave him. We have been together for 12 years. I am having a hard time dealing with all this. I can't smile around him, I just feel so empty.

Please help me.

RomanceClass.com Advice
There are all sorts of reasons that people cheat. Maybe things with you were *too* easy for him, and he liked the excitement and challenge of chasing someone new. Maybe she came after him and he was too weak to refuse her. It's not necessarily that you were doing something "wrong". Although there must have been a breakdown in your communication if he went from being attracted to another woman (which is pretty normal) to actually crossing that line and cheating with her (which is a betrayal of trust).

In any case, recovering from a betrayal is ALWAYS hard. And it definitely doesn't heal quickly. It can easily take months to years to fully heal from something like this. Your partner is supposed to be the person who you trust with your life, you trust guarding your back. That trust is the key and cornerstone to any relationship. To have that trust yanked from under you after so many years is hugely destructive.

Some people can get over it on their own, given enough time. Some people just can't get over it and the relationship breaks up. Many people really are helped a lot if they go to a therapist, even just for a little while, to help sort out their emotions and feelings and to learn coping mechanisms. Therapists study what different techniques tend to work with different personality types.

It can definitely be true that a relationship can be even stronger after something like this. You might have taken the importance of your relationship for granted before, but after nearly losing it and then working together to heal it, it might be even more important and your love for each other even more strong. But you need to be able to get through the healing process. If you're really feeling like it's difficult for you, I'd highly recommend finding a local therapist and talking with him or her - even if it's just for a month. The skills they teach you can help you get through the healing process.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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