He Blames Me for our Troubles
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I finally get my exboyfriend to talk to me. He said he feels that he can't trust me because I do things suspiciously around him. I tried to understand where he was coming from with all of this. The more we talked more untruthfull things about me he was saying. He blames me for our relationship not working out. For me to prove him wrong he wanted a guy friend's phone number so I gave it to him. But now I'm starting to think, Is this worth it? For him to tell ME how I am (which is not true at all). Is this his way of telling me he just does not want to be with me? What am to do now?
It's definitely good that at least you're talking about things. The fact that he's talking to you about things means he still cares - you don't tend to put time and energy into situations you don't care about. So that's good too.
Remember, the first hurdle is to get you guys to TALK regardless of whether he takes an "it's all your fault" stance. The talking is the important part. He realized that talking wasn't an awful thing, that he said things that bothered him, that you listened. That he had something he thought would help, and you went along with it. So all of this is REALLY good in a general getting-started sense.
Now you have to move it along slowly :) You have his list of complaints. You both discussed them. He feels good about that at least. So now go back to the list and just remove the "blame" part of it. Choose the one that seems to you the most important. Give some thought to it and think about what you could do to help it out (even if it's really not your fault, we're trying to train him here, remember). And then think of something he could do too, that would also help.
Now go back to him, again doing the whole quiet-sit-down-time thing, and say that you've really thought about what he said. That he had some great points. That you have some ideas about how to deal with XXXXX. And then point out what you will do first. And then ask if he can do whatever his part is, because any problem should be faced jointly by you both.
Hopefully he will buy into this and agree, and you can now be working on your first problem together!! If he really says he will do NOTHING and wants you to do EVERYTHING, that's the time to have a talk about how people in a relationship must work together.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com