My Ex is Dating Someone Else - I Want him Back!
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Ok... My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 2 years! We broke up 9 months ago to work on our relationship because we had been fighting alot. So that's what we did, we still saw each other every day, still had sex, still called each other, it was just like we were dating but we werent. Well he lives with the people that he works for.
They started to talk to him about dating their daughter. So she comes home from college for Christmas from out of town and they started dating! I am sooo incredibly hurt, I am so jealous of her, he is such a wonderful guy. I love him so much, we were going to get married this March. I am still so much in love with him, but he is dating her now. I have even heard through the grape vine that they are talking about marriage, and it's only been a month and a half since they have been dating.
Her dad is the president and CEO, so she is very rich! I know that may play a part in why he is dating her, but I want to know what I can do to get his attention back. Can you please give me some advice? We (my ex and I) just talked on the phone today and it went very well, he did not mention her at all. What do I do?
I wouldn't worry too much about the marriage talk right now. It's really common when two people first date and are in that 'rush of passion' that new love brings, that marriage pops up quickly. The longer you date, the more that tends to settle down into a 'nice someday' sort of thought, when you realize that you're making a decision that will affect your entire life and there's no reason to rush into it.
But, about you two. You had such serious issues in your relationship that you fought all the time, and the only way you could address them was to break up? It doesn't sound like you were working on issues after the break up - more that you were friends that enjoyed sex too. The way to work on a relationship is to BE in the relationship and address the issues. You two couldn't do that. You weren't dating any more. If you were working on the relationship, you would have been together. But you weren't. Whatever the issues were, they still existed and were never addressed. And in essence you were saying "If we hit a problem we'll just leave" which isn't a healthy groundwork for marriage.
So this new woman comes into his life and he thinks that he can have a relationship with her, and by all appearances the relationship is going well. It sounds like he still considers you that good friend, but that he didn't have qualms about dating her. So he wasn't thinking of you as being in a relationship with him - he thought of that as being over.
I really wouldn't think it would be about money. Most people learn in life that dating/marrying for money gets old VERY quickly. There are millions of poor, happy people out there, and also quite a number of miserable, rich people. In the grand scheme of things, it's better to be happy than to be rich any day. Love is a very special thing in life, and there's no way you can buy it.
In any case, you need to sit down and talk with him. Hopefully he is coming out of that 'new love rush' with the other girl and can start to look at things more clearly. Undoubtedly you and he had that same new love rush in the beginning too. It's hard to remember sometimes, when you've been with someone for a while, that a new person isn't "better" just because they feel "cool and different" at first.
So talk to him about the things you have together, and the time you've spent, and how well you work together. And address the issues you fought over!! He obviously never thought they were addressed well if you've been apart for 9 months and he's dating someone new. So if you want to get back with him you have to talk about the issues, work through them, and show him that you and he CAN be happy together.
Fighting is NOT a good part of a relationship and one thing you really have to consider is that if you guys fought all the time and really found NO way to get around it except to break up, that there is some sort of serious disconnect between you two. Not all couples are meant to be. Some work wonderfully as friends and disastrously as partners. It could be that you can be his best friend for his entire life and be wonderful as that ... but that if you guys try to be romantic again it'll disintegrate into those fights. And if that's the case, it might be better if you both found someone much more compatible for a partner, and shared your true friendship.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com