I Still have Feelings for my Ex
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my partner for 2 years. i met him as i was still seeing a guy i fell head over heals in love with but he was still suffering with baggage from an ex.
my new partner and i have been through alot and have a nice respect for each other as we grow to know each other better and we have spoken of marriage.
the ex dropped hints along the way that he regretted letting me go and also let me know that he didn't think my new guy was right for me. (i will decide that though!)
whenever i speak to my ex or see him (as i am still good friends with his sister) my heart breaks and i go through all these aweful feelings of regret, doubt and guilt.
the ex is seeing another girl as well and i think whilst he seems busy with her, people say to me that he is not in love with her.
i can see that he is feeling something strange when i am around as he gets all tongue-twisted and dumb (which is out of character, he's a real charmer usually).
i don't whether i should tell my new lover or the old lover or noone!?
It's very common to have feelings for your ex. You were with him for a while, you built up that connection. It doesn't just go away. Lots of people stay friends with their exs - even best friends - for years and years.
Still, in life, you need to make decisions. Most relationships aren't open - that is, most require you to be faithful and monogamous to one person. Assuming that you and your current partner are in the faithful type of relationship, you have to choose. It's unfair to your current partner to not give him your full love and affection - to still be pining for your ex.
So sit down and decide what you want to do. Your thoughts of your ex are undoubtedly like most memories - full of great memories of the good times, forgetting most of the bad times. You guys broke up, so something was seriously wrong if you couldn't work it through. There's no guarantee that a second time around would end any differently.
But you have to decide which route you're going to take. Either decide that it's in the past, you're friends with him, but that you KNOW and ACCEPT the relationship part didn't work. Yes, you think of him fondly. But you don't actively want to take him back.
Or, if you decide in the end that you could never really be happy with your current boyfriend, tell him that. It's not fair for him to be second fiddle to the ghost of your previous lover. He deserves to have someone who really and truly loves him. If you really have hopes and dreams of your ex, and you can't shake them, then give it your best shot. Give it your all to make it succeed. But realize that it has the possibility of failing again, like before.
You need to talk with BOTH of them about this, and you need to resolve it. It's not fair to anyone to have divided loyalties.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com