How Can We Change?

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I wanted to ask u another question...I am the one who asked how to get my ex boyfriend back well I did talk to him...but he told me that he is afraid of getting back together because he is afraid that things will repeat themselfs and that we will have the same problems as before. Well my question is how can I get him to realize that things can and will be different the second time around??? Advice
It's excellent that you talked, and his fear is a very real and valid one. People are resistant to change, and for many couples, getting back together means the exact same problems that drove them apart in the first place.

So you've taken the first step. You've discussed the issues. Now you have to plan a course of action. You know what the problem is. Find a solution together, that you can both agree on. You can't just say "We'll change". You have to say "We admit that the problem is X. In order for that problem to be eliminated, we will together do these things:

1) xxxx
2) xxxx
3) xxxx

Lay out the things you will do. Agree that you'll both watch for those things and actively encourage each other. That way it's not some nebulous "OK well this will be better", it's a definite "these things we will do together to MAKE it better." If you both have a plan, and specific items, and you both agree that those items will solve the problem, then it's much easier to take that first step towards the resolution.

You can even make it like a pact, where you both review those things and then both promise to the best of your ability to carry out those things. That'll give you the dedication to really pay attention and not slip back into old habits.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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