Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My husband and I got married in the civil court in the fall of 04, and then in the church in the fall of 05. In the spring of 05---so in between our civil and church wedding, a girl we both worked with pulled us both aside and told us that she and my husband had slept together in my and his apartment. It made me crazy; he had never given me any reason to doubt him in the past, and I had never even thought he would ever cheat on me. He denied it, and still denies it to this day. In the weeks that followed, I asked the girl for different details, such as if she had been in my apartment, what did it look like? She was able to do this, but on the other hand, other details of her story changed each time it was told, such as the time of day it happened. I want so hard to believe my husband, but at the same time I keep struggling with the question of, "Well, what good did it do her to come forth and tell us if it was a lie?" She is a rather permiscuous person as is, and has an extensive history of fooling around with other people, and is probably capable of the lie, but at the same time, I could be just trying to convince myself of my husband's innocence. Anyway, we managed to move on but it has stayed with me while he seems to have forgotten it until the days that I bring it up. One thing I thought about was maybe he hadn't thought of himself as "officially married" until it was in the church--I did notice him to take our relationship more serious since the church wedding---maybe he just needed one more fling? The bottom line is---I can't seem to get over it,and know that it could end up ending our relationship. Now, over a year since the incident, it has come up in several fights, and there have been several times where I have given him "one last time to come clean", to which, of course, his story never changes. I constantly coach myself in my head that he is my husband, and I love him like crazy, but at the same time, I have become such a jealous person---a characteristic that I hate. I find myself going through his internet history---now he deletes that daily. I go through his cell phone history, sometimes I call numbers I don't recognize. Any folded up papers in his pants pockets I quickly unfold expecting a girl's phone number---only to see a store receipt or a time-punch card from his work. I love my husband so much, and I really think he feels the same way. I want to think he has always been faithful to me, and in my heart, feel he's at least been faithful to me since our church wedding, and plans on keeping it that way. So my question is how to I learn to re-trust him and stop being so crazy jealous? I know this could end our relationship, and it sure isn't making my life any easier. He is probably oblivious to the amount of time I spend thinking, and worrying, and imagining what he's doing when I'm not with him---probably most of the time I'm just being paranoid---so how do I stop? I really want our marriage to work, and I certainly don't want it to end because of jealousy and paranoia. All of my jealousy and worrying is based on assumption---have never seen any solid fact or piece of evidence. So how do I lose the jealousy and get myself back on the right track?
You need more help than you can get from an Internet site like this.
You need to find counseling help... probably a marriage counselor. Just go by yourself unlesss the counselor wants both of you there.
There is no reason for you to have to be miserable so do something about it soon! No reason to keep it a secret from your husband either.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com