I cheated on my boyfriend with my ex, is that ok?

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Ive been with my boyfriend for a year now, I started a relationship with him as my last one ended, kinda a rebound that turned into more in the end i suppose.

The thing is tho, he doesnt know but of course i still had feelings for my ex and after a few months i saw him and we slept together, i feel terrible but it was just a closure thing....i think!? I fantasise about him alot like not in sex but when im on my own and he tells me he does the same about me but hes moved on with someone else also.

do you think it was ok for me to have slept with my ex cos it was just a one last thing we both wanted to have with each other n i knew wouldnt happen again, and why do i keep fanatsising about him???? and why does he still want to get close to me??? n think about me like that??

pls help me im sooo confused about everythin im feeling!! thanks!!!!

RomanceClass.com Advice
There's always a rationale you can make for cheating. It was just a one-time thing. It was with a stranger so it didn't really matter. He/She doesn't know about it so it doesn't matter. But in the end, cheating is about betraying a commitment you made to your boyfriend/girlfriend to be true to them, to be trustworthy, to not lie, to be their best friend and face-the-world-together person. So by betraying your boyfriend, you betrayed all of that.

In some ways it's even worse that it was your ex and not just some stranger. If you got drunk in a bar and were seduced, you could say it didn't mean anything and was an accident. But with your ex, it was someone you cared about, that you knowingly and deliberatly were intimate with because it had great meaning to you. If you actively make that choice to betray your boyfriend, who's to say that you won't decide in a few weeks, since you still care for your boyfriend, that it would be meaningful again? What if your ex came to you sad and upset and missing you, you could choose to console him ... you've now made the choice that you *can* and will betray your boyfriend as long as you feel it's good for you. Which isn't good for the relationship.

Having occasional fond memories of an ex is pretty normal. It's like anything else in life - you look back and remember the good times, and the memories of those times make you happy. It can be with an ex, or your current partner, or your family when you were younger. We all like to remember the happy times.

But on the other hand if you both have new people *and* your ex is trying to get close to you, it seems like he wants the best of both worlds. He wants the security of his new person and also to act out the fun memories of what he had with you. He won't commit to dating you fully and have a real relationship, but he wants the fun bits and probably sex. So he'll end up betraying his current girlfriend, getting you to betray your current boyfriend, and have a relationship that's not really founded on honesty and trust.

I would really sit down and think about what each of these guys offers to you. Life is full of decisions, you can't have everything. A relationship is always about tradeoffs. If you can just ditch a current boyfriend because something better comes along, there will ALWAYS be something better out there, especially as you get older, if you aim for sexy bodies or good in bed or whatever. You stay in a relationship because of love and trust and best-friendness. In the long run, those are far more important than the other flitty sorts of attractions.

If you want your ex, then make that choice and work on it. Tell your current boyfriend so he can find a woman who is true to him, loves him completely and can be there for him. If you want your current boyfriend, then be true to him. Yes you can still care for your ex, and talk with him. But sleep with him?? Not unless your current boyfriend has agreed to an open relationship. And definitely he should know that you've having all these talks with an ex. If you're running around behind his back, the rift you're causing can easily demolish your current relationship and I suppose make your choice for you.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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