We fought and were jealous but I want him back

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
i have been with my boyfried almost a year and he broke up with me on his birthday. he told me we can be friends and need time to hisself. he was stressed out about college because he wasnt except yet and i was and i guess he couldnt handle the pressure between us because we argued about the stupidest things. but we always got over it.

but the last month he started to be a jerk to me and i broke up with him and he said that i hurt his feeling and i begged him back and he took me back. he had rulings that he had for me. like he didnt want me to talk to any of the guys i got with before him and go to the movies without him and go to the mall without him and i said it should go the same way for him.

so the last month he ditch me for his friends and i was mad and we argued. he wanted to do what he wanted after all those ruling he put on me. just before we broke up i told him that he shouldnt hang out with his friends because they are bad influence on him and they put his life in danger every time he got in the car with them because they are pot heads and alcoholics and they drive to crazy and anything happens to him i will be very sad and he thought i was trying to put a rule on him but i wasnt i was trying to look out for him.

he was a type of person that he didnt want me talking to guys that he was emenies with and those ememines that he had friends of mine and he still didnt want me to talk to them. so i thought if he didnt want me to talk to people that he didnt like i thought he would do the same. but it wasnt he got mad at me because i told him not to talk to this female that i didnt like and he started to go off on me and he broke up with me and he said that we can be friends and he is a type of person that if you hurt him he has to hurt me. he told be that it would be a chance later on but not now and he says that he misses me and he loves me still. but i want to know why is he putting me through this pain if he loves me? he said there is no guarantee that we will get back together and so i begged him back again for the last week and it has only been a week.

he says to give him time, but he doesnt know when he is not putting a time limit on it. and i dont know what to do? i cry every night and i have not eat for a whole week and im so stress out. he says everytime i cry to him its hurting him and stop crying but i dont like he doesnt understand how it hurts and he says he does and its hurting him. but i dont know what to do should i leave him alone or still try to be around or not and just give him? because its hard we broke up before but it as not been longer than two days, now its been 6 days going on 7 days.

its hard for me because i gave up all my friends for him i was with him everyday and its hard for me because i dont know how he can do this to someone that he loves? he said that we might not? should i give him time and he might miss me sooo much that he would get back together? i try to talk him out of dumping and getting back togther and he wont change his mind.im scared that i would ;lose him if i not with him. he said its not another girl he just need time to his self.

i guess he got tried of me asking him he told me that to leave him a f$ck alone and that hurt. i scared to listen to him because i dont want to loss him. i guess he said it because he was tried of me begging him back. that really hurt he never said anything like that to me. he said to be strong that he cannot take me back crying but i told him it is hard for me because it hurt me and im am a very emotional person.

i miss him so much and i wanna know how to get him back i told him that i would change he said not know i need time but he doesnt know when. do you think if i cut him off completely that he would realize that he is losing something special to him? or would he move on but he still cares and loves me i was his first love he told me and he was my also so what should i do im hurting so much.

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RomanceClass.com Advice
Wow, first it sounds like he is being VERY VERY unfair to you in many ways and that this time apart might be very good for both of you to sit back and really think about what was going on in your relationship. If you don't think about it now, the EXACT same things will happen when you get back together again and maybe even be worse. So really, take a deep breath and use this time to think and plan.

You love him. He loves you. OK, that's really good and an important place to start. You both care about each other and want to protect each other. That's also good. And you try to talk with each other to express your concerns. So you have some very good basics.

But it seems you have some problems with how you both try to *implement* these basics. Yes, it's really common for one person to not like all the friends of the other person. But one of the MOST important things in a relationship is trust. You have to TRUST your partner. Period. That is the entire cornerstone of a relationship. So he has to trust you with *whoever* you choose to be friends with, male or female. You should NEVER NEVER give up your friends for your partner and he shouldn't tie you away from them! That's incredibly unhealthy. So the very first thing you should do right now is rebuild those ties. Talk to your old friends, get back with them. You NEED your friends. And you should never give them up because someone tells you to.

The same goes with you and his friends. Yes, they are probably jerks and bad for him. But they are also part of his web of support. It'd be nice if he had better friends. And maybe you can help with that by introducing him to some. But you can't just tell him to ditch his old friends or try to break them apart. That doesn't work. Find ways to introduce him to new people and encourage him to do things with them. You have to be proactively helpful, not just negative.

It should NOT be all about you changing to make him happy so he takes you back. True love is about two people accepting what each other is - good AND bad. Yes, it sounds like you both were overly jealous. That's a normal problem in life that we all work through. So it's something the whole relationship has to deal with - both of you. You need to feel good about yourself - that you're worthy of his love the way you ARE. He has to feel good about himself - that you aren't going to run off just because you have other friends, even *male* friends.

So set aside the next two weeks as YOUR time. This is your time to get yourself ready for being back with him. Don't bother him during these two weeks. This is your preparation time. Instead, take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well. Do things you love to do. Remind yourself of what a happy, fun person you can be when you're being good to yourself. Get in touch with those old friends. Talk with them, have fun with them.

When, after 2 weeks of being really good to yourself have passed, now go back to him. Tell him that you've taken your break, you've thought about things a lot. And that you're ready to try this again. That you accept he has friends, that those friends are important to him. That you also have friends, and your friends are important to you. That together, you two and your two friend groups, can find a way to get along. That's the key to any healthy, strong relationship - loving each other, accepting each other and caring for each other.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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