I'm Married but the Thrill is Gone
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm a married women of six years. I got married when I was 18. I was pregnant with my second son with this man and it just seemed like the right thing to do. I have tried to make this marriage work the best that I can. But I don't feel like I am happy. I always look at other men. Flirt with other men. And I have even fallen for someone at work. I havn't ever taken it past the flirtation stage, but then later I think that I am an awful person.
I want to be a committed wife. I just think that I married the wrong person for me. The problem is that we have small children and I have just told myself unless he does something really wrong that I can't leave. That it wouldn't be fair for the kids. What should I do?
You must have cared for your husband to have 2 children with him and to have stayed with him for this long. Many relationships don't last this long, so give yourself some credit and the relationship some credit for having stuck through it. It means that you two can get along reasonably well and are generally suited for each other.
It's normal to have interests in other guys out there. Being married doesn't mean you're blind. In fact if you're with your husband because you feel he's the only man on earth, or because you're forbidden to talk to any other man, *that* would be unhealthy. The fact that you can talk and flirt with and be attracted to other guys and still choose to be with your husband is what love and trust and commitment are all about.
Yes, it sounds like the thrill is gone. But long term relationships and marriages aren't about constant passion. Passion and lust are what bring people together - but trust, honesty and caring are what keep people together. I'm sure you've heard of the 7 year itch. It's a real thing, it's about people who have been together for a long period of time and begin to feel 'bored'. They remember that rush of lust with a new person and miss it, and want to give it a try again.
The relationships that last are the ones that get through these highs and lows. Yes, your husband isn't perfect. No husband is. Yes, there are other guys out there that seem attractive and have good qualities. But in the end after 7 years they may be just as worn-in and 'boring' as your current mate. What you build with someone over the years is the shared memores, the shared concerns, the fun times, the troubled times in which you proved that you really will stick by each other. You have 2 kids that you both care for and will share in the joys and triumphs of.
I would take this lull period as a time to regroup and rethink things. Being a mom can be a lot of work, and it can stick you in a rut. You can look at your spouse as a chore-sharer and no longer as a fun mate. It takes effort and work to keep that love alive. So work at it and get him into the mood too! Go on little mini-trips alone with him, if you can get a babysitter for a few hours or for a weekend. Be sure to spend time together without the kids. Do little loving things for each other. My site is full of ideas for that. Make sure your friendships stay strong and do things with friends. Do things on your own.
Your husband should be one aspect of your entire fun life. You can't blame him fully if you're unhappy ... there are many other things in your life that should be making you happy too. Work on enriching each of your life's areas and appreciating what you have with him. You might find that when you get through this '7 year itch' period, that your love for him and for your family is stronger than ever.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com