Husband is on love sites and porn sites and denies it

Visitor's Question from a 51-60 year old Female
What am I to do? I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I never suspected anything before but recently we seemed to be fighting more and not getting along,and his attitude was different. His daughter, a real trouble maker moved nearby in Oct, and I think this may have something to do with our problems. I found he was getting on dating sites profiling himself as a married man looking. He was also getting on porn sights. I confronted him and he admitted to a little bit of it, and that this has been going on, off and on since we were married 6 mos. I found that he was on ten or more dating sites and through lies and half truths, he managed to cover for himself real well, still smelling somewhat like a rose. Well, he did the "right" thing, said he was sorry and loved me, and wanted our marriage to work, and I "sort of " bought the line because I love him and wanted to believe this was so, but when someone lies to you, it's hard to trust again. I have lost all trust in his words. Well, I put a snooper program on the computer (really, sort of fun) and the naughty boy is still at it, checking out girls on dating sites. AND DENYING IT. Last night he denied it, and swore he didn't, and said he was willing to take a lie detector test. Yet, I had the proof, but he doesn't know this. I am furious beyond words and deeply hurt. I don't see this ever getting fixed, but this is a big problem for me, you see, I don't work. When we married, he promised me I would never have to work, that he would support us. I have been trying to get disability due to back and neck problems from working as a nurse for years. If I leave, I need income and I can't go back to work. And, this is my house from before marriage. If I try to take him to court for support, he will have a ton of new loans etc., so he won't hafta give me any money. He can be ruthless, I found this out recently. He took money out of his 401K and spent it carelessly, and changed his life insurance policies so I wasn't the beneficiary when I first confronted him about the dating sites and during a bitter argument, mentioned that maybe I would just divorce him. He was married once before and went thru a nasty divorce, so he knows the tricks to come out on top. I have a 10 year old adopted daughter who didn't have a dad, and now this one may be on his way out?? He has not adopted her, but has been supporting her for these 2 1/2 years. What shall I do? I am afraid of what the future may hold. If I show him my "proof" he could turn on me worse than before. He isn't violent at all, but things can change, if he is confronted with this proof. How am I to outsmart him? Advice
I doubt if the two of you alone are going to solve this problem.

Three thoughts come to mind:

You two see a marriage counselor and try to work out something that both of you can live with.

You alone see a lawyer and get a sense of what you can legally expect if you decide to divorce him.

Let him do what he wants to and ignore it. Remember he is getting older and may need extra sexual stimulation for him to feel male.

Hope one of these helps you!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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