She Promised Not to Smoke ... then 7 Days Later ...

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I've been going out with a girl for the past near month now, i`m 17, she`s 15, and everything has been great, getting really close and all, the closer you get to a person the more you find out about them....

well she`s been going to this dance club with her friends every friday night, so i get kinda of suspicious about it,and start asking her about it, she was reluctant at first, but i assume felt guilty days after and admitted she was smoking, she blamed it on peer pressure of course, said she`ll never-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-do it again ...

next friday rolls around and she ends up doing it again... she called it an "honest mistake" is how she put there really such thing as an honest mistake being present not only the second time around, but the first time considering you have to stick something in your mouth and suck on for 5 min while gagging because it`s your first time?

I've never felt pressure from anybody or anything to do that even though i`m asked by people at school plenty of times, so maybe i can`t really cast a vote based on extensive knowledge because the pressure just has never been there,that`s why i`m turning to you.

Would i be right to trust her if she told me it`d never-ever-etc-etc-etc...happen again, or should i just throw in the towel knowing trust isn`t an option anymore? Advice
Well, she's young, and she's at an age that she really wants to fit in. But on the other hand, smoking is one of THE nastiest habits you can get into. For some bizarre reason some people think it's cool because it's forbidden. You know, sticking knives into your toes is forbidden too, and there's a good reason for both. It's not because "only mature adults can handle it". It's because smoking destroys your lungs and all sorts of other body parts and you can easily get addicted for life. Not Fun!

So for her to purposefully wreck her body because other people are pushing her to isn't a good sign. She should have more respect for herself! If her "friends" are really going to think less of her because she doesn't stick a cigarette in her mouth, she needs some new friends. It's not a mistake to actively stick something in your mouth. That is a DELIBERATE act. And the first thing she needs to do is at least take responsibility for what she does, instead of trying to claim it was a "mistake". It obviously wasn't, it's not like she meant to put it in her ear and she missed.

Make it clear to her that, for you guys to be serious together, you have to trust each other. Trust is the most important thing you can possibly have in a relationship. Otherwise, when she says she's not cheating on you, or says she loves you, or anything else, how do you know that she's telling the truth? It all comes down to trust.

So it's time for her to start making decisions based on what is good for her and for your relationship, and taking care of her body, and not doing things because others pressure her to. Otherwise, what happens when a guy walks up to her at the club and starts wanting to kiss her? Will she make an "honest mistake" then too? She's not a toddler, she has to learn to take actions that are good for her even when others try to influence her. And she also has to learn to take responsibility for what her actions are.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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