Have I been the foolish transitional relationship person
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together since the end of July 2004. It's a long-distance relationship, one of us in New Jersey and the other in Georgia. We've known each other since we were 17 and now I'm 20 and he's turning 20 in the next month too. The problem is he's always been that really naturally talented and smart kid with great parents that was always made fun of and hated because of being fortunate. He's had girls that always used him or abandoned him because they couldn't deal with an affectionate guy or a really smart guy who is usually right 7/10 times in any discussion. Or they were really just immature and simply got bored of him and left like his past friends have also. His last ex-girlfriend one that he thought would marry him cheated on him and he never got over it and she eventually dumped him even as a friend. Since then he tried to get with other college girls who rejected him or only wanted him for a one-night stand. And so that's bred a lot of insecurity and distrust of others into his system, especially with girls and especially if that woman happens to be 'the one' for him who's dedicated, passionate and commited to him unconditionally (as he's told me because he's communicated that's what he really wants and needs and he sees it in me). I had to experience a lot of that insecurity during that summer when we met and decided to be together. It was painful to watch that and experience that and it ended with him telling me he didn't want to be with me but would talk to me still if I wanted to. A few days later, he apologized and said he wanted to give it a try again.
But now...he's going to study abroad in August 2005 to May 2006, in the country of his choice surrounded by the woman of his favorite race if that's not bad enough (Japan). And I have seen him some three times since July. His insecurities were finally put to rest when I saw him and met his parents for the first time in December. His faith in me of my character and commitment to him shot beyond all his expectations. He confessed to me rather fragilely and alone that he thinks I might be the one for him since I have given him so much and have kept my promises. But since I saw him over spring-break his new faith in me has fallen and he's told me he can't figure out what it is between us besides sex. Needless to say, that has really hurt me and he confessed he still thinks of experimenting with other girls though he's more faithful than a dog in his relationships since fidelity is a moral obligation to him.
He has been recently telling him that I should stop giving him his little terms of endearment (a.k.a. dear, darling, lover), that I can still talk to him if I want should we break-up, that he doesn't want a serious relationship with me for a long time (though the long-time limit hasn't been specified) and that he thinks I should go see other people, though he also said he doesn't know if that's what he really wants either. He also gave this offer of dating someone else to his long-distance-ex in the past and she jumped at the opportunity finding someone in less than 1 month, later blaming him for her betrayal and telling him he'd be the one to make it up to her. I believe he's testing me and my fidelity and committment to him, because he's insecure and believes I will leave him while he's in another country. He doesn't seem to take the time to remember how lucky he is to have me in his life and he worries that he's going to hurt me or I'm going to hurt him by purposely choosing to betray him/me by falling in love with someone else. I would want nothing more then to stay with him over the next two yrs. of college and then live with him after college and eventually marry him. He also confessed to me that this was also his wish back in December.
But his insecurities as of late have been saying otherwise even once I said "I love you" to him in December and over the break and in the talks inbetween visits. He says he loves me and wants what's best for me (but what's best for me is to be with him) and he's really fearful of uncertainty. What can I do to love him more and assure him that I won't betray him in any way as we wait until we graduate? Have I been the foolish transitional relationship person most people go through between a breakup and a serious relationship? What can I do make him feel he does deserve me and we'll be together in no time? I hope you can help because I have no intentions of loving another person, no fall-back guys, because he's the one for me and it would always feel like a betrayal to my myself, my beloved and the poor third person who may want me but for whom I will only feel pity for at best. Please help. I'll answer any ambiguities I may have said in my questions or something I may have missed too.
You have analyzed the situation so well and are so familiear with its nuances that I don't feel that I can add anything.
My advice is to take the above and send it directly to him without editting and if he is not convinced, then he is unconvincable.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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