Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I live together, and we've been dating for about 2 years. In the first of the relationship I did some things to make him not trust me. I have bent over backwards to make sure he knows what I'm doing. When I go somewhere I call him, or if he questions me, I always have some kind of way to prove myself to him. He is always calling me names and treats me like dirt sometimes, I guess most of the time I feel I deserve it. Lately though some issues have came up and when he confronts or ask me about it, I just freeze up and it seems a lie will come out of my mouth, just because I feel I can't tell him the truth. He always reacts so negitive towards me about everything. I'm not trying to lie to him, I don't want to. I always end up telling him the truth within about 5 minutes of the lie, but for some reason when it happens I feel I can't talk to him, so how can I tell him the truth. I know I'm just making the trust thing worse. I've tried to talk to him and tell him I don't feel like I can talk to him. He doesn't seem to care and tells me its just an excuse for lying.
But anyway, why do I do this? Is there anyway to make him understand I'm not trying to be dishonest, that I'm just terrified of his reaction. I mean I listen to his comments like bitch and stupid everyday. I just tell him whatever so I don't have to listen to his shit! I do love him though, and I've put alot of effort into our relationship. Why am I causing myself more pain by having to start the process all over.
Please tell me how to explain why I'm doing this, and show him I love him and that he needs to make me feel like I could tell him anything. I want to be honest and don't mean to lie, it just comes out of my mouth.
You answered your question about why you lie to him.
You two have a pretty miserable relationship and I would either seek counselling or drop him.
The next best thing is to try to start building a good relationship. This takes a lot of work by both people. So if he is unwilling there's another reason to dump him.
The things to work on are trust, honesty, open communication, caring, reliabillity, affection and other aspects of a good relationship. If you do this regularly you will strengthen the bond between you.
For starters, when he asks you a question say to yourself "I don't wan't to tell a lie so..." Or, even say it out loud "I don't want to tell a lie."
Wish you the best!
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com