We were going to meet, now he's changed his number
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Long story short, I met a man online and we talked over the phone for five months. We agreed to finally meet in person. Well, about a month before we were to meet, he started acting differently towards me. The phone calls were fewer, the compliments were gone (and even if I complimented him, he would not even say thank you) and the conversations consisted of him griping about things in his life.
I called him on his day off, and got no answer, so I left a message saying I wondered what he was up to. He called back the next day absolutely enraged at me, saying I was accusing him of something. He said he needed "space" and that he would call me in a few days once he calmed down.
Well, I have yet to hear from him, and it turns out that he changed his phone number. So I guess there is my answer. The thing is, I never got any closure on this, and I feel like most of all I am grieving the loss of a friend. Does he not have any respect for me at all? How hard is it to say "Hey, this is not working for me anymore".
Can you please help me learn to have closure on this one? I have had to keep myself extremely busy to keep from calling him at work, or even sending him a letter/postcard. I have read EVERY article you have on this situation, and then some. Thanks so much.
Wow, sometimes you just have to say that people are immature. He was in a relationship with you - even if we just said you guys were really good friends. When you're in a relationship with someone, you treat them with respect. You don't just disconnect your phone and toss them away. That's really childish of him.
On one hand it could be that he was afraid of going from flirting with you to something more serious. Maybe he already had a girlfriend, maybe he just liked to flirt and didn't want to deal with anything further. No matter what his reason, he owed it to you after the time you both spent on the relationship to give you SOME reason.
On the other hand, maybe it was totally unrelated to you. Maybe he got laid off. Maybe some serious debt came down on him and was stressing him out, maybe in fact his phone was disconnected because of the debt. I've known people that that has happened to. Of course there are things like pay phones and he could have somehow gotten a message to you. But maybe the stress and everything is too much and he doesn't want to deal with anything else. Still, childish.
While closure from a distance can be nice, it's also really hard. And really, you were his friend too. So it's quite reasonable that you are worried about him. He said he'd call, he didn't. I would give him a call at work and put on your best concerned-friend voice. Tell him you were worried about him, that maybe something had happened to him. That you hadn't heard back is so unusual! He deserves at least to have to tell you some sort of reason and try to be semi-honest with you. If even when you make that overture he's slimy and nasty, that pretty much seals his personality. And at that point it might be easier to get over him, when you have really done all you could to be a friend to him. But who knows, maybe he'll have something semi-sane to say to excuse him a bit.
Either way, I wouldn't talk with him much after that. He is definitely not much of a friend or much of a responsible person. But you do deserve to know what is going on and as a friend it's quite reasonable for you to call to see if you can help in any way, to see that he is after all OK.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com