Going out with married woman includes jealousy about another man in her life
Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Male
I'm seeing a married woman. She says she and her husband are having problems and she thinks she’s close to leaving him.
We work at the same plant. Her and my ex-boss do a lot of extra curricular activities related to their field of work. They used to go to lunch quite often together, then he was promoted and the lunches stopped. She and I started going to lunch and drinks afterwards. He would float in and out, but he didn’t give her an explanation on why the lunches stopped. He uses people to get ahead and we’ve discussed this.
When we all have gone out drinking before, there has been some inappropriate behavior towards her on his part but she didn’t stop or comment on it. I.e. We ended up at a strip bar and he bought her a lap dance then proceeded to go with her to the dance. Another time he made the comment “She rode down here with her head in my lap the whole way”. Neither one of these incidents brought a comment from her. There are others but these are the major ones.
I have let her know straight out that he makes me jealous. I always took the blame saying the jealousy issue was mine and was something I needed to work on.
We have become really close, close enough that we tell each other that we love you. We both comment on how close we’ve become and how much the lunches and our talks have helped each other.
Well he moved back to the plant this week and on Thursday when I asked what we were doing for lunch, she informed me he had been after her to go to lunch all week and they were going today. This put the “ole” jealousy knife right into my stomach. I let her know I was upset. She ask me to go to break with her and when she ask me if she misconstrued my look earlier I ask her, “what did you see in my look” and she said that you are upset with me, so I told her no you got it just right. She ask me if I wanted to talk about it but I told her not right now I needed time to get my thoughts together. She called after lunch, but I didn’t answer her. I called her towards the end of the day and we ended up in my office, I started out bad talking him instead of owning up to my jealousy. She finally says, this is about jealousy, and I then owned up to it. Somehow it came down to she could either quit going to lunch with him or me. But I wasn’t going to get into a competition with him for lunches with her. She said “This is a huge loss” and got up and stormed out.
So here is my question,
1. Am I being overly jealous?
2. Is there justification for suspensions here?
3. Should I expect a better explanation about their relationship?
4. Do I use this as an excuse to get out of a relationship I don’t belong in anyway?
a.I don’t open up to a lot of people, but I have to her.
We talk as though there are expectations of a relationship if or when she leaves her husband. I would be happy for her if her and her husband could work things out, but the thought of her and the other guy drives me nuts.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry you are in this situation.
1. No I don't think you are being overly jealous. The strip bar activity was definitely out of line. However, you and she should compromise on how many lunches he gets each week... say 1?
2. Not sure what you mean suspensions... oh, perhaps you meant suspicions. I would be suspicious at least a little bit.
3. You should ask for a better explanation about their relationship.
4. You certainly could do that and it's probably the right thing to do since you don't know when or even if she is going to split with her husband.
You need to open up to her even more and ask to discuss, rationally, the questions you raised above. Try to keep jealousy out of it because it only stinks things up.
Hope this helps some!George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com