Dealing with a Cheating Girlfriend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My long distance boyfriend and I were dating for three months when I cheated on him.He wanted to stay together but I told him that, I thought, it would be best if we didn't. We still kept in touch and after three weeks we decided to get back together. That was the only time we really talked about it. We have now been married for three months and have a baby on the way. The other night he told me that he is ready to actually deal with me cheating on him, but he doesn't know how to. Does anyone have any advice that can give him to help him through this? Advice
Well, on one hand it's really unusual that you wouldn't have dealt with this *before* you got married. Marriage is a final compact between two people that totally and fully trust, love and honor each other. So for him to take that step without ever resolving this issue is strange. What if he doesn't like how he can deal with it now? Would he leave?

On the other hand, if it's bothering him, it's always better to get it resolved. Leaving issues unresolved is a HUGE problem for relationships because they gnaw at you until they become big monster issues. So if he's being open and saying this bothers him, you both really need to work it through.

It comes down to trust. You both had made a commitment to each other, and then you betrayed it. He needs to know and fully believe that this was a one time mistake, and that your ability to betray him that time does not mean that you're likely to betray him again in a similar situation. You need to explain why that instance was a *singular* instance that could never happen again. You need to explain that your commitment to him is now total, and that you would not stray again, because you honor that commitment.

Trust takes a long time to be fully rebuilt, so you also have to demonstrate your trustworthiness to him repeatedly so that he can believe it, and you need to give him the time to heal. He may want to think about therapy if he has trouble working through it on his own.

In the end, if you both truly believe in your relationship, believe in each other, and make a firm commitment to respect, honor and trust each other, you can get through that one mistake.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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