Complicated talk of marriage
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
i've been with my boyfriend for 7 months.I've met him through friends when I just arrived from my country seeking asylum in germany. on our first date he began telling me that he will marry me so that I can have a german citizenship and after that we will divorce. I was against this idea and told him, but continued with him thinking that he was just trying to test me if i really wanted HIM or the citizenship.He later changed and told me that he really wants to marry me and be with me forever.He later told me that his friend's wife, the woman who have introduced us is talking very bad about me.I knew this woman about 3 years when I was in university in my country and was never friends with her, I knew she hated me, always gossips about me , and I never took her seriously just ignoring her as an illiterate woman.However, she got chance to hurt my relationship,she told this guy that when i was a student, I used to live with a men(I am a muslim and thats against my culture), she even told him that i had many boyfriends and used to take money from them. That really hurted me and I was angry of him for even asking me if that is true. Anyway, he apologised saying he doesn't belive the woman.But I told him that i had a relationship before but the guy died in an accident because he heard of this from the woman.. and we continued seeing each other.He continued telling me that he is intrested in marrying me and that that will help me stay in germany and I can also help to coach him when he wants to study more( I have an MBA degree and he has only secondary level of education.I continued going out with him and even had sex with him.I used to visit him sometimes in his house and stay over for a day or two.During this time in his house, he started to hit me sometimes making it as just a joke. He was hitting me with his belt,for eg if i refuse jokingly to make him coffee etc, but it was very painful and if i tell him he just laughs and makes it a joke.After a while, he told me its over between us because the situation doesnt allow us to be together but he loves me.I was crying and he kept on asking me to tell him whats really in my heart about him.I asked him to give me back my photo and he gave it back but told me not to be angry,its just a seperation so we should both think about our relationship carefully and see if we want to be together because during all this time if he says lets get married I always used to say just wait because I am not sure.I was also not sure if he really wanted to leave me or he wanted me to open up and know what i exactly wanted from him. Things were not going well with me in germany for my asylum application so I left and went to belgium. He also got interested (he didn't have a job in germany).we used to talk on phone about 3 months and he told me he'll come (he didn't know anybody here and couldnt afford renting a place while looking for a job).He then found a friend and came. He sometimes work part time.He told me when things are o.k with him we will marry, but at anytime if i am being refused asylum, he will help for my stay.when we met the first time when he came he told me he is sorry how he treated me in germany and that he will never hit me again.He said the woman told him i wanted just citizenship throgh him but now he knows me better and doesn't belive that. I went to his friends house and stayed with him for 2 days. He was good. But the communication with him is now bad.I called him after 3 days and spoke to him. I expected a call also from him ,to ask about me. He never called,so I missed him and after other three days i wrote him a message asking why he is quite. The next day he called me and said he is busy only and that he will be calling and i told him i'll be going to my aunt that same day for 3 days .After 3 days he wrote asking me how i am.But I didn't answer him, just wanted to know if he really cares and misses me.However,he was quite again.After 2 weeks he wrote only a short message saying he missese me.I didn't answer him.I sometimes think this guy doesn,t trust and love me I should end this relationship,but sometimes i think he just want to know if i really love him or just want to benefit from him I also think that he might marry me just because i have higher level of education because he tells me if i am a citizen here i can get a very highly paid job and that i should be working after marriage in his situation he has no good education and doesn't have a meaningful job , so i think he thinks of what he will get through me.sometimes i think he is only lying and will never marry me. I am really confused. Please advice what should I do.
There seems to be a lack of communications and a lack of trust on both of your parts. You need to work very hard to understand each other and the only way to do that is to talk, talk, talk.
Meanwhile don't consider marriage because it probably won't last. You two don't know each other well enough and it sounds like there are issues (e.g. him hitting you with a belt).
You also should decide whether he is the kind of person you would want to marry. It doesn't sound like you think he is. If you don't want to marry him, then tell him now and save yourselves a lot of trouble.
If you want to continue, I would also advise you to see a marriage counselor.
Hope this helps some!
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com