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Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
My ex and I went out for four months about exactly a year ago. We were never friends before, in fact we were practically enemies until one day where we just started talking and almost immediately gained mutual respect and admiration for each other. I slowly realized that he was falling for me, and at that time I was extremely confused as I was not attracted to him physically and just thoroughly enjoyed our friendship; also I knew that our friendship would not have survived what I considered to be an inevitable break-up as I was convinced he and his perfect ex are soul mates.
We went out, had an incredibly insecure relationship where we were never sure of where we stood with each other, my brutal honestly hurt him a great deal unintentionally. He broke up with me the day after prom over the internet because he 'couldn't have done it if he looked in to my eyes." It was no surprise as we knew we were not happy with each other, our hearts were breaking with insecurity, I was convinced his heart was with his ex and/or an old crush.
Killed me that he did indeed return to his ex not a month after our breakup; every song, every place reminded me of him and also him and her together, and me as the other woman, the bitch of the soap opera. I was so uncomfortable that I wrote him a letter telling him my feelings for him still but due to timing and bitterness it just led to us growing apart and not really speaking for months. We attend the same university and we were bitter to the point where we deliberately avoid even glancing at each other in the halls and classes.
I never gave up however, I tried so hard to get us to be friends again, I was obsessed with trying to fix the situation which eventually did work, after a long conversation about the past and how things would have been so great if only we talked. A week later I ended up staying over at his place after a drunken night and the next day we agreed to never do it again and he was afraid that he had hurt me and taken advantage of me, but the same night, the exact thing happened. We blamed it on nostalgia.
Four days after, he got back together, again, with his ex with whom he had said five days before that would never work out. He and I remained better friends than ever. He told me he was really confused as he felt he never should have got back together with his girlfriend as it "just wasn't right," and he was starting to believe that he was only with her because he really liked how she liked him so much and they're like an old shoe to each other when they're lonely. They eventually broke up and I was there to comfort him the entire way. The comforting got to the point where he and I were acting very couple-ish; but we were both feeling guilty as I knew he was just projecting his feelings for her on to me, something I've always believed even when we went out.
We keep saying how wrong it was and how we needed to stop, going through days of being really good friends and days of extreme awkwardness where we could barely look at each other. But we always found a way back into each otherís arms and it has gotten to the point where it is almost expected that I would be there whenever he needs me to be. He's taking advantage of me and I let him and I'm hurting that we are acting as though there was no emotion behind our action and I hurt myself by attempting to cheapen it by acting more flirtatious around other guys to cover my feelings for him.
I know right now, he is falling for one of his best girl friends, and it breaks my heart seeing him look at her the way I wish he still looked at me, and her sleeping in the bed I was sleeping on not a week ago, but with her there's emotions involved for him. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want our un-pervertisized friendship back. Advice
The ball is in your court. It is possible for you to be his friend. You are the one who has to make it happen, however. It is unlikely that he will want to change the comfortable relationship he has where he can run to you and get everything he needs.

So, unless you enjoy being used, you will have to say no at a certain point. It won't be easy the first time but give it a try.

Good luck!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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