Minor jealousies end relationship
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi, I didn't see a situation like mine on your website. I had been dating this guy for three years and we lived together for a year and a half. We have been broken up now for about 6 months, four months of which we lived together still even though we were broken up. Our relationship started great...we never fought, just minor 'cute' arguments. Our relationship ended because of me. Before I met my ex, another guy in college and I became friends and he ended up liking me but I told him that I didn't want to get involved. He gave me a necklace as a xmas gift. When my ex and I got together I still had the necklace but never wore it. My ex saw it and I told him that my mom gave it to me (a lie). I felt horrible lying to him so I told him the truth a couple days later. My ex was hurt but we worked it out. This other guy would message me online every few months and he told me that he was getting married. One time he asked for my number and I gave it to him knowing that he would never call me. My ex got upset, which is understandable and I don’t blame him. And about three months later, he broke up with me. I was devastated…about an hour later he called me and said he wanted to talk and we got back together and made changes in our relationship for the better. Except four months later, he broke up with me again. I was surprised because I knew we were still having some problems (with jealousy on both sides) but it didn’t bother me that he was jealous so I didn’t think it was that big of a problem. When we broke up we continued to be intimate and still are, except what confuses me is that we finally “did it” for the first time (for the both of us) a couple months ago. I was concerned about getting hurt (because we were still intimate and I still love him) that if he did find someone else that he would just toss me out. Our communication after the breakup is so much more open, we’ve both told each other everything. During our relationship, I think we were both so afraid to make the other person upset that we ignored some situations that should have been discussed. He knows exactly how I feel about him and that I would never do anything to hurt him like I did before and he believes me and forgives me for everything. Every time I see him, I show him that I still care for him whether it be the littlest thing. I feel like he still has feeling for me but he says that he just needs time. There is no other girl he tells me and that it will be very hard for another girl to “top” me. He told me that I am his best friend and that he doesn’t want to lose that but I don’t want to be just his best friend. He says he just needs time to think of what he really wants. How much time should I be giving this? What else can I do/say? Should I stop seeing/talking to him…for him to realize how much he has lost? I've tried this (about a week) but I can't help not answering his calls because I do want to be with him. Thank You so much!
It is difficult to understand how such minor transgressions could trigger breakups. Now that you are talking more closely, I would think that your relationship will be stronger.
Take advantage of this and continue to have meaningful conversations with him and include a lot of talk about how each of you are feeling. Don't try to do this all at once since he says he needs space. But when you have the opportunity, take it and build the trust that honest conversations engender.
My advice is to take it slowly with him until he starts to become more attracted to you.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com