I hate women ... and they won't date me
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I have never been on a date, and have little success with women and now I am getting angry at all women. I guess there is just something about me that repels women and it is starting to take its toll. I am beginning to think the only way I will ever get a date is by hiring a hooker to go to dinner and the movies with me. Like I said I have a lot of anger and even hate towards women now. I feel I used to be a nice guy, but it seems all women want is scum...On a Frasier episode once Fraiser said "Murderers on death row can get married and I can't even get a date" is how I feel about myself. I guess I am just one ugly totally unappealing guy and I should just give up.
It doesn't help that my only friend has never been one to introduce me to anybody and one of my problems is I don't really have the ability to go up and introduce myself to anyone cause when I have done so in the past I am always shot down and it just depresses me. I also have social anxiety disorder so it is always gonna be hard on me...
So am I just screwed or what? I doubt you will be able to help my problem, but what the heck any insight you have will be appreciated.
What I'm about to say may sound like romantic mumbo-jumbo but really, take a deep breath, consider that new thoughts might be helpful thoughts, and let's give this a try.
In life in general, people want to be with people that they have fun with. I'm not talking about dates or anything else. Just life. Let's say you wanted to go see a movie you were really interested in. And let's say you had 3 phone numbers in your wallet - one for a person who would be cranky and complain during the movie, one who would just sit there and not really watch but not be interested, and a third who would love the movie and be happy to go and who would love talking about you with it afterwards, if you wanted to. You'd probably call person #3, right?
So you have to realize this about ALL of life. If you hate women, women know that! Your emotions are broadcast in thousands of ways, from your facial expression to your tons of voice to your attitude. So it's your *attitude* they react to, not your being a "nice guy". Women definitely do NOT like scum. They write me daily asking where the nice guys are! What tends to happen is that guys who aren't asked out blame the women - and get grumpy about it - meaning more women won't want to be with them and it snowballs. It's not that the WOMEN are bad. It's that the guy's attitude is in fact shaping his reality, by driving them away and reinforcing his views.
So if you go up to women with the attitude of "She won't like me anyway" you'll probably be right. Because few people - male OR female - want to be with someone that is being grumpy or unsupportive. Regardless of it being a date or friendship or anything else.
There are enough examples out there of non-model-shaped people being in great relationships with people who truly love them to prove that a real love has very little to do with being handsome or beautiful. If anything, those "lovely" people often complain that they *can't* find love - they can only find people obsessed with their looks, who desert them as soon as they start to sag. If you date someone who is fun to BE with, then no matter what age and time do to you both, you'll have a great life.
So. It's time to form a new attitude. Remember this is all in YOUR BRAIN, nowhere else, so the place that has to change is in YOUR BRAIN. Are you happy with the way you are and things you do? If not, then chances are slim that others will be happy with you. If you are unhappy, people will be pushed away from you. If you are *happy*, they will be drawn in to share your happiness.
Find a hobby you enjoy. Spend time with the hobby, and feel good about the things you're able to do with it. Get some knowledge about it and some skills.
OK, now find a SMALL hobby group involving that hobby. Yes, you have anxiety about social gatherings. So don't go to a 1,000 member conference. Just go to a small gathering where people do that hobby together. That makes it much easier on you. You're doing something you enjoy. You have a built in conversation topic. You can just go for an hour and leave, and go back in a few weeks, and get comfortable with the people.
Once you're doing that with people you now consider *friends*, now start to think about FEMALES in that group. Every hobby on the planet has both male and female people interested in it. If you find a female who enjoys your hobby, it is FAR more likely to work out than if you just tried to pick up a random female off the street. People you date should be friends that you want to get closer to. So you have to start with finding female friends with common interests. After a while in your hobby groups you should run into single females, and they will be interested in you because you share an interest they share. They will have a built-in attraction to you. They will have built-in things to talk about. Hopefully by this point you will have realized that females are humans, just like males, and have the same enjoyment of sharing happy company. So be that happy company for them, and you'll find that dating is actually quite a simple thing. It's about two people who are friends, going out and enjoying their evening together.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com