Let him go
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was dating someone for 4 years, of that we lived together for almost all of them. He is 33, I am 30. Last month, he stopped coming home and announced he was breaking up with me because he needed time to think and he was moving to Las Vegas (where his brother lives) to think about what he wants and get his life together (we are on the east coast now). He has been at dead end jobs and a bartender most of his life and just became a manager at his bar, but quit the current job for this Las Vegas move, to be a real estate agent, a job he doesn't have yet. He has never been able to support himself really (I pay all bills, rent, etc), but was always spoiling me in any way he could. The agreement was "we were still together, but not dating, let's see what happens".
Last winter we went through the same Las Vegas thing, but he did not break up with me, instead he proposed and we had been engaged since. The cold weather seems to get him down, he likes sun and warmth.
3 weeks ago, he completely broke up with me, moved out (but left his stuff here) and said "maybe we can work this out some other time". I was totally upset, but tried to be friends, thinking I had done something wrong. We agreed to go out on a date last Friday. As he was dropping me off he said "this is exactly what the relationship was missing, this spontaneity, this was the most fun he'd had in a long time and he wanted me to come to Las Vegas and live with him and marry him and have his children," etc.
I was so excited that I went inside and bought tix to LV to visit him in April for his birthday and went to bed. At 5 in the morning he burst into the apartment, looking teary and drunk and said he didn't want to lie to me, but he hadn't been honest. He'd met someone else and it started as friends, he only wanted to help her... He was sorry, that was over, he realized he loved me more than ever before and wanted me to punch him and hate him for it. He said he hated himself, and this apartment was the only home he ever had. He wanted to marry me, and wanted me to forgive him, if there was any way I could, he would wait for me in Las Vegas.
The next morning we woke up and had really intense, emotional, crazy times, and he tried to get me pregnant, it was VERY intentional, since he said "Are you ready for this?" just before he finished and I let him. After a few hours he got mopey and said "this isn't what i want for myself. Every time I'm here for more than 24 hours, I feel like we fall into this routine. I feel trapped."
Again, we ended up having sex and he said "Save your money, come to Las Vegas".
Again, the next morning, he woke up with the same "trapped" sentiment and I told him to pick up his stuff and leave (his stuff is still here a week later). I asked him why the pregnancy thing and he said it would have been exciting, stability, I represented stability.
He leaves on the 1st of March, but I just don't know what he's thinking!? We spoke 2 days ago, and I was crying hysterically, I'm lost without him and I told him I wanted to work it out and he said he's just not in love with me anymore and that the passion was gone. Getting me pregnant seemed right at the moment (although I'm not sure if I am yet). He told me to just move forward and get on with my life and whatever happens will happen, but if I'm pregnant, he will fully support the baby and move me out to live with him. He said we weren't compatible, and couldn't keep forcing this. He had been saying for a while that "let's just see what happens, let me get out there".
Like there was a switch, and it just turned off? I know he loved me like crazy for years. He said he started feeling this way in November when we vacationed in Las Vegas, and he said he could feel that we weren't together, but I don't think it was true. We did end on a sour note the last 2 days of vacation, fighting because I would no longer fund his gambling losses. He doesn't gamble here, by the way. Please help. I feel sick and lost and I don't know how to make this feeling go away. I want to be with him and forgive him even after all that he's done for me. I don't WANT to fall out of love with him either, but I do not think he will ever want me again. I want to accept that it's over, and in my heart, I know it is, but I don't know how. He said he wanted to stay friends and let things run their course. I made a date for tonight with someone else to take my mind off things, but it's not helping. He leaves in a week and I asked him to take STD tests with me, but I think it is just an excuse to see him.
My advice is to let him go and hope that time heals the wound. Going out with other guys is a good idea to keep your mind off of him. He is a very untrustworthy person as you personally know. Get a pregnancy test kit which you can get at any pharmacy so you don't have that to wonder about.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com