She's Actually a Bit More Experienced ...

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and I have been going out for 3 Ĺ years. She always told me that I was only the fourth guy she had slept with in her life. I recently discovered however, that she has actually had more partners than she can remember. I feel angry that she lied to me. I also canít help seeing her in a different light now. As her fourth lover I felt important to her, I felt as though I had been chosen by a very discerning girl. I also respected that she didnít just sleep with anyone. That image is now shattered. Am I just jealous or are my feelings justified? Advice
Well first, you really shouldn't judge someone based on how many or how few people they've slept with. That's like judging someone based on how many friends they have, or how many people they've kissed, or many other things. There are all sorts of reasons that people kiss, or hug, or touch, or have sex. None of these things are bad acts, and if they were consensual, that's fine. The whole hang-up about virginity traces back to the middle ages, and you note that it was always the woman who had to stay "pure" for the guy, while the guy was out sleeping with whoever he wanted to.

But in any case, the real issue is that she tried to lie to you about her past. Why would she lie? If you were her sexual partner one of the KEY things she should share with you is her sexual history, for very obvious reasons! If she lied to you about say people she had dated that would be one thing. It'd be a lie and a betrayal. But she lied to you about something that can seriously affect your health, i.e. sexual partners, when YOU were a sexual partner after that fact.

You need to sit down with her and get it through to her that not only was the lying bad and a betrayal of trust (which is the foundation of any relationship) but that to lie about THIS particular topic is bad on an entirely other level, because it's one that is very important in a health sense.

If she was embarassed about it, well she shouldn't have done it in the first place. And if she was accepting of her past, why wouldn't she tell you about it? And if she couldn't feel like she could TALK to you about it, she shouldn't have then SLEPT with you until she was able to. That's part of the responsibility you take on when you date - to be responsible, trustworthy and communicative.

Hopefully you can get this all worked out so she really understands it, but it sounds like she has a lot of growing to do to be in a committed relationship with someone. Lying about past sexual partners is pretty bad.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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