Seek counselingVisitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I met a man 4 yrs ago and embarked on an affair with him. During this time on and off we both finished it several times as we both thought of it as wrong. Eventually he did leave his wife for me and moved into his own place after 6 months of us as a couple we split up because of all the strain that he was going through during his break up.I left him alone and within a month he phoned and wanted to meet up so we did he told me i was the one he wanted to marry would i forgive him and could he move into my house. I agreed as i love him so but his ex gave us so many obstacles to overcome that after a year we were on rocky ground ie she cooked him dinner when he went to have the kids and they still went on family days out unbeknown to me. When i found out i went mad and told him to change the situ or move out he told me there was nothing in it and to accept that that was how it was going to be. I accepted it but it still made me mad and after a couple more months he couldnt handle my behaviour towards the situation and moved out everything apart from some of his important stuff.After a few days he phoned to say how much he still loved me and missed me and we started up again. He beggeed me to go up to his house in the week and we had a fantastic time out together all was fine. 3days later he ends it all because a girl who he thought he should have married has told him shes in love with him. He has known her for twenty years and she is his ex wifes best friend he dated her when he was 17 and was gutted when she married his best friend.She has been on her own for 2years but up untill now has never shown any interest in him.She believes herself to be stunning and can get any man she wants he is now enthralled with her so i told him to get on with it and leave me alone. He then came back to me 2 weeks later with undying love and told me we as acouple were more important than that. He said in front of my friends and kids that he wanted to marry me and that he would never leave me again.Itold him that as adults we were all still learning and still entitled to make mistakes. The next week we went to holland to see his parents and he treated me like a princess all was great 4 days later as we returned in the car his mood changed to that of someone who was leaving i questioned him he said he was ok and then after a perfect 4 days away he left the next day. I asked him if it involved this other girl again and he said no way. 2 weeks to go till xmas now and im very upset but a week b4 xmas he phones me and we talk just as friends 2days b4 xmas and it is obvious he wants to come back. I agree so xmas day he spends with me and my kids. He says he is going to sell his house he wants me to sell mine straight after xmas we should have one house one life forget about whats happened we love each other so much so lets just move on. I agree but am more wary now.He books a romantic week for us as a surprise and is taking me away on 1 jan. In the meantime on boxing day im with him in the pub and this other girl turns up she knows im there with him and after a few drinks she tells me they have just spent the last two weeeks together,i take a deep breath but hes not interested in her otherwise he wouldnt be with me in the pub knowing she would be there. So we go on holiday have the best of times together he tells all his friends how good it was and how we are so sorted now. 3 days later iphone him and ask him if hes going to get his house valued he tells me im going to fast and to not be in such a rush. He is happy with things as they are and now doesnt want to look at houses straight away. HE has told my friends and kids that we are going to get a house together and get married(AGAIN) AND IS NOW BACKING OF.6 days later in the middle of a dinner party we argue over a game of cards i cant play and always lose at hes defiant to make me look stupid and so we play i lose i got upset he told me i was childish because i wouldnt play anymore i told him if he loved me he wouldnt want me to play the game and make myself look stupid. He kept picking on me everyone was embarrased i said give me a cuddle its only a game not worth arguing over he said no now its my time to sulk so i tried to make the peace he said shall i go i said if you want so he left after marriage and house proposals he has now gone...Next day sent him an apology about my behaviour and said i loved him. That was 2 weeks ago he has not answered a text or phone callfrom me and im desperate want to know what troubled him to never speak to me again but he wont reply. Normally he has made contact by now but havent heard a thing. Friends told me he has been out but is miserable. Now got his phone bill through and from the day we got back from our fantastic holiday it would appear he is txting the other one again. I think this is why he left but a mutual best friend asked him and he swore he wasnt but wouldnt talk to him about us or his unusal behavioiur at the dinner party.Now im confused i dont know if he is ever going to give me an explanation or even call me but i dont understand how you can keep leaving someon=e keep promising marriage and everlasting love to someone and then never talking to them again. I dont know wether i should wait for him to call or go on a date with someone who has asked me. All i know is untill this girl came along in sept we were doing ok now all the passion and love we shared seems to have dwindled and now he has gone and i want him back i want us back. On the day he left he sung me the most beautiful song saying how pleased he was that through the years he had stayed and made us so good(kenny rogers) i said was that song for me and he said yes all the songs i sing i for you 2 hours later he left never to hear from him again. Im so worried about him do you think you could give me some reasoning to this behaviour. I just want us back to where we was . Me him all of our kids happy together. please help J*
The only solution that comes to mind is that you two should see a marriage counselor to try to get to the bottom of the problem. So, if he returns again (which seems to be his pattern), don't agree to a make up unless you see a counselor together. Something seems to be wrong with him, but it would take a professional to figure it out.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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