He Got a Bit Too Close with a Stripper
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. We have had the best relationship until last May when he told me that he was at his friends b-day party where there was a stripper and he particpated in having "fun" and licked whip cream off the stripper's gential area. He only told me this b/c he thought he may have gotten an STD from this but insisted that he did not have oral sex with her. He ended up not having an STD, and since then I have been trying to rebuild my trust in him.
I am having a really had time b/c I know that if he didn't get the STD scare I would have never known about the incident. So I keep thinking to myself, is he always honest to me? It sucks because before this incident I would have never doubted him, but now I always do. Please help, I want to trust him again I just don't know where to start.
Trust is a very fragile thing, and once it's broken, it's hard to regain. I guess there's a number of things here.
Let's say he told you they all went out to a strip club for the birthday and got rowdy. Yes, he was out of line to be licking her genitals! But let's be generous and say he went along because he was invited by his friend, and that they were all incredibly drunk, and all licking the whipped cream. So instead of showing some self control and saying "No thanks" when it was his turn, he was carried away by the mood and everyone else egging him on, and was drunk and did it. It's not that he cheated, or that he knew this woman, and in that atmosphere it's a forgivable error.
If he then came home and just told you he was out getting drunk with friends at a strip club for this birthday party, I don't know that I'd call that a huge lie. Yes, he didn't go into the gory details, but if he hadn't licked the whipped cream, you probably wouldn't have wanted to hear about the dangling breasts and lap dances and other stuff that went on. It sort of comes with the territory of the situation.
It's sort of strange that he thought he had an STD from that. Something would have made him think he had an STD, and associate it with that night. People have gotten STDs in much stranger ways so it's always possible.
In any case, I have pages on working on trust here -
it's an ongoing process, and let him know that you are working on it and need his help. You need him to be fully open and honest with you, even when it's difficult, to help you regain that feeling. Yes, it's hard to be honest sometimes. But a relationship is based on honesty, and it requires active work. If the relationship is based on letting truths 'slide and hide' because it's easier, the whole relationship is likely to dissolve. So it's worth maintaining it and keeping the talking going.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com