Dating one Friend when the Other Likes You

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Okay there is this girl (A) that I have all of sudden started to have feelings for. here is the situation, she has this friend first of all (B), that i will talk about first, that i'm close to, I use to like about 5 years ago, and she new i liked her. Me and her were close, just not the relationship type, she ended up being in relationship with others and same with me. Eventually I didn't like her anymore, just as a close friend. I think she likes me now, but I don't, because she calls me every now and then when i'm home from school (college) and kind of gives me the impression that she just wants to hook up and thats it. The problem is A is the one I like now.

A is really good friends with B, and over xmas break i would see them both alot. and over the break is when i started to like A. A would every now and then give me a look and kind of stare at me here and there. i started to notice it alot. And when I look into her eyes i would just start liking her more and more. One night we are all together and I asked A if she wanted to go to a show that I had an extra ticket for with my family, and she never said yes or no, just kind of ignored it. The next day, my friend and I were with A and B and my friend said to A, so are you going to go to that show with him, you never answered him. And she just put her hands over her face as if she didn't know what to do or say. B says, well why don't you ask me? And then thats when I said, I think its better if I just took my friend (the one that was with me) so that any girl isn't unconfortable.

Now whats weird is A, seems to always talk to everybody, all of our friends like there isn't anything wrong, but with me, she seems distant. And this past weekend, she ended up coming down to my school and her and her friends stayed with us at my apt. They came down because it was my roomates 21 who A is really good friends with. Drama started because my friend(who's turning 21) has a gf who lives with us and they have been together for 2 years. But somehow a rumor started and the two fought because people thought something was going on with A and my friend(birthday boy) but they are just really good friends. The whole weekend, she seem distant to me, but whenever I would be quiet and seem upset or depressed about something, she would look at me alot, like she did before. She always gave me a glance at me here and there. After she went back home I called her up and finally told her how I felt about her, that I had feelings for her. And she never really gave me an answer back as to wether she liked me or not, so I don't know how she feels. And then after that, she says.."Let me ask this, do you actually think that something ever went on with me and (my friend the birthday boy) and I said NO, and she was like "good, I don't see why I can't have a good friend that is a guy and everyone making a big deal out of it.)

My question is, after hearing this, do you think that there is any possibility that A may like me, or that I may get to have something with her in the future.

Also what advice do you give, to maybe help her start liking me if she doesn't already, rather than pushing her away. Advice
I'm just guessing here of course, but it sounds like the crux of the problem is that these two girls are friends. One of the cardinal rules of friendship is that you never betray each other. Otherwise you're not much of a friend!! So if the first girl likes you a great deal, the second girl wouldn't want to date you. That would just be incredibly cruel for her to do that.

And yes, it sounds like the second girl likes you. But she is being mature and putting the needs of her friendship over her own current interests.

You need to resolve the situation with the first girl. Take her to dinner some night and have a long talk with her. Tell her that you do care for her greatly as a friend, but that you're just not interested in her as a girlfriend.

Once you're sure you have that all in the open, tell her, as a friend, that you do have feelings for the second woman. And that you know this might bother her, so you wanted to talk with her about it first. Now that she's at the point of hopefully having said that she cares for you as a friend, and acknowledged that your relationship won't go further, I don't think she would try to put up a fight about that. Yes, she'll be sad and disappointed, but you're being as honest and fair as you can be. And hopefully she'll accept this, and talk to the other girl about it and your way will be clear.

You definitely have to talk with the first girl, though. She likes you, you used to like her. That relationship can't just "linger around" while you in essence try to go after her good friend. That would be a recipe for disaster.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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