Doctorate student and 44 year old man
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi! I've just moved 600 miles away from my boyfriend to go back to uni for a second degree. I'm 25, he's 44. While this age gap hasn't really seemed a problem before, recently its becoming more of a deal. I'm just starting my career, hes talking about his pension and retirement. I want kids. He doesn't - which seems to say to me that there isn't a future, and its not a question of if we'll break up, just when. He denies this and gets upset when I say it. He has his reasons for not wanting children and I'm not going to try and change his mind cos I don't think thats fair. But then, he must think that I might change my mind if he's denying that its enough of an issue to split us up?
Recently we've been arguing over petty things that become huge rows - last nights tantrum was over collecting me at the airport; he asked if I wanted a lift, I said I didn't mind (either was good for me - I either see him, and get collected, or I schlep to the bus and go and see my parents, which I can't wait to do - I miss them so much). He said that 'I don't mind' meant I didn't want to see him, and I was breaking an arrangement for him to meet me. Then it all kicked off. It was hours of fighting over pretty much everything, and I know, sensibly, that I can't take it any more. I don't want to loose him - he was my best friend for about 2 years before we started going out, but its not like we're red hot lovers or anything.
I don't really want to be with anyone at the moment (although the idea of being on my own does scare me)- I'm miles away from my friends and family in a new town and I'm doing a doctorate in a subject I know nothing about. Its really hard work, and I don't want to feel as unhappy as I do right now. I've a meeting with a supervisor today who I know I have to impress, and right now, I'm trying not to cry in a public library, instead of learning techniques for DNA analysis (you can't really bluff your way through it!).... I just don't want the hassle.
I'm aware I'm not being fair to my boyfriend right now - I tried explaining to him that everything in my life feel like its changed but he says that nothing has changed for him at all. Has he not noticed I'm not there? He does a job that he hates, and doesn't do anything else. I mean - I say what did you do at the weekend - he says 'nothing. watched tv.' How was work - 'crap' I think he's actually depressed But he refuses to get help,and maintains that hes never been happy.
I don't want to prove everyone right and bail on him when hes down and unhappy. But this is taking so much of me right now, and I can't let it - I'm on a funded place and have to do well, or they kick me out. I've waited for this opportunity for so long and I don't want a relationship with a guy (who doesn't want children) screw it up. I hate sounding so heartless. I've never split with someone before - I always hang on if I think theres the smallest chance of it working - but should I be doing that now?
Am I really being a bitch? Seriously. Am I?
Re-reading this it sounds like my minds already made up. It isn't - its just I'm feeling desperate - I'm in a situation that's suffocating me. I can't take the rows which ''are all my fault'' And yet I remember who this guy was and how much I liked him.
The message is very clear. My advice is to break up with him before he ruins your life. You are very different types of people and he is making you miserable. You need a clear mind to succeed in your doctorate. He will probably never provide you with what you need which is a life suitable to your age. As you said, he is talking about pensions while you are still starting your career. I see no way that this relationship can work.
Sorry you are in this predicament.
Best wishes to you!
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com