Figuring Out what my Girlfriend Wants

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
There are couple of things wrong with my relationship.

My girlfriend wants space, and time alone. How do I give her what she needs in order to stay together. I don't want to break up with her. I want to resolve our problems and move on with our relationship.

Also she told me that she doesn't want the physical part, like the touching or kissing part of a relationship, just the talking or "emotional" part. I don't know what to do. we have been going out for about 4 monthes now and she is kinda sending me mixed messeges. She will say that she doesn't want me to do somthing and them she says it ok for me to go ahead and do it, but then she regrets it afterwards.

I'm lost and don't know what to follow anymore. I trust her when she says it ok, but now I don't know. please write back ASAP! Advice
It sounds like your girlfriend is feeling a bit overwhelmed with the physical part of your relationship, and needs some time to sort through it all. That's pretty common especially with teenagers. There are a lot of things going on with their bodies. Girls have hormones too, just like guys, and the same drives to be touched and caressed. But they are also bombarded with the messages to stay chaste and not be touched. So it can be incredibly confusing.

I think you're wise to want to resolve the issues together and to not go for the 'space'. Usually 'space' ends up being a break-up because the girl figures she can think through things just as fine without you. But the whole point of a relationship is to be with each other through thick AND thin, not to go running off as soon as trouble starts. If you go through troubles together, side by side, you become stronger. But if you run away as soon as things get a bit sticky, that's not only bad for the relationship you're in, but it's bad as a precedent for future relationships.

Anyway, sit down with her and explain that you know she's confused. And that TOGETHER you can get through this confusion and become even stronger. Yes, she doesn't want to be physical right now. That's fine! A relationship is first and foremost about talking and being best friends. So you can easily be best friends without kissing, if that would make her comfortable right now. You can still care for each other, enjoy each other's company, go to movies and so on. Your presence in each others' lives should be a warm glow of happiness, not stressful. If she is feeling stressed, it is in essence her *reaction* to some situation. So together you need to talk about what she is reacting to, why she is reacting badly to it, and to find a way to work through it. Together, as best friends, you can certainly do that!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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