Jealousy causes trouble

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I dated for about a year and a half. For half of the relationship, everything was nearly perfect. I accepted him for who he was, and he accepted me. Around the half year mark, we started talking about becoming engaged (we are both in our twenties.) Nothing could have been better, and the mere thought of spending the rest of my life with this man made me so happy. We shared so much, had so much in common, and really had some wonderful times. Things progressively went downhill... I got upset over his occassional IM from an ex, told him that I hated his smoking habit, and became very jealous over many things. I tried to control him. It was at this point that his anger started to show. He had a horrible temper and met my insecurity with the most terrible insults. But after we would make up, he would tell me that he only said those things in anger. And we would be a OK for a little while, and then something else would spark an explosion. He never tried to hit me, but his words hurt me to the very core. I expressed my insecurities to him often, and while he used to be sympathetic and reassuring, he started telling me that I was ridiculous and became very distant. At this point, I don't know what it was that started it all, his anger, or my insecurity. Well, we broke up a couple of weeks ago because we both felt that we weren't getting along. We never got a chance to seek therapy together, as we had planned. This man was my best friend, and despite his faults, I still loved him. And I still do. Perhaps we need this break. But I miss him so much, he was my best friend. He told me that he still loves me, but we can't be together right now. I want to get my act together for the both of us. How do I express my regret for trying to be so controlling and jealous? He has recently expressed his own fit of jealousy toward me regarding someone who is interested in me. Is this because he still wants to be with me, or because he's simply afraid that I will move on? We both need to be able to find balance and trust if we are ever to be together again. But how do I convince him to give it another try? I know that my words and actions have drained him over the past few months. I want to start anew. No matter what happened between us, I still want to grow old with this man. I'm afraid I've lost my chance. Advice
You and your ex still love each other so there is still hope. Ask him if he is willing to go to therapy now. If he isn't ready, you should go yourself to see if you can get a grip on your insecurity and jealousy. Perhaps if you can change your behavior things will improve between you and your ex.

Best of luck,

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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