The Lying Cousin Drove Us Apart
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I had been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 yrs. We have gone through some tough times but made it thus far. About 6 months ago we began arguing alot. He would come home angry and blame me. Then 4 months later, I told him I needed a break and that I wanted to leave for a while. He broke down telling me he was going to kill himself and it really scared me. I dont know if he would really do that or that he thought his emotional distress would bring me back.
I tried to make him understand that I wasnt "leaving" I was just taking time off.. Yet i did nto get to. his constant threat scared me so much that i stayed. Then he moved to his mothers and told me to stay there.
He has a very troublemaking cousin who would call me and pretend to be sooo upset and i would feel sorry for her only to find out later that she was calling him back and making up lies that I supposedly said about his family etc,
I am not with him now, we fought so much over his cousin's games that we broke up. he obviously believed her even on her saying that I faked my miscarriage. I do miss him but if he wont believe a thing I say what is the use. I really do hate his cousin now and i find it hard to hate anyone.
I do miss him though I had thought he was the one for me.
its been almost three months and i am tempted to write him a letter saying how sorry i am that things ened the way they did and how much i do think of him.. ?
do you tihnk that would be ok to do or should i wait longer?
Wow, what a nasty cousin to actively drive you two apart!! That definitely shows that one of the KEYS in any relationship is to trust each other and talk directly to each other. The very second any third person becomes involved, the information gets biased and twisted - sometimes just a little, or sometimes wildly.
It sounds like he was very manipulative himself, too, though. He would blame you for his temper, and then one of the *ultimates* in manipulation, he held the guilt of his potential suicide over your head if you left. That's so wrong I can't even begin to talk about it. A relationship is about two people actively caring for each other and choosing FREELY To be with each other. Things like money, family pressure, and ESPECIALLY emotional trickery should not be involved at all.
The fact that now he chooses to believe his lying cousin over you just sort of seals the situation. I really think you should give yourself at least another month to get over him. If you were together for several years it's very normal to be hurt for several months as you heal over the pain and get used to life on your own vs life with "a partner." I really think if you give yourself time that you'll realize that there are MANY guys out there better for you than he was, and that choosing one of them will be much, much better for you than simply going back to him because it's "easy" since you have history.
Get out with your friends. Give yourself long bubble baths. Go to movies you love. Go ice skating or skiing or whatever you enjoy to do. Spend this time really enjoying life and taking GOOD care of yourself. If after another month or two you can honestly say to yourself that you are HAPPY but that you think being with him would make you HAPPIER, then I'd write him a letter and tell him that. But I really think after another two months of being happy with yourself, that you'll realize that it's a different type of guy that you would have share in your happiness - and I really bet that after 2 months of happiness that you'll have already found him.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com