Long distance romance troubles
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I'm afraid that my girlfriend doesn't love me as much as I love her. I'm a co-op student and that means that I'm out in Colorado for a semester and then back here in Indiana for a semester then back there...etc. So I met her this summer in Colorado and we really clicked. Everything was great, she spent a lot of time with me. I really fell in love with her hard, but I'd never been in love before so I never actually said that. She actually ended up asking me if I loved her. I said yes, and she said she loved me too. So, now I'm back in Indiana and suddenly everything is different. I went from being her #1 priority to being like 6th. I mean, I understand that school and work need to come before talking to me, but she would know I was going to call and if her friends wanted to go out to eat (after she had already had dinner mind you) she would go out with them instead of talking to me. Suddenly it's like every little thing she does hurts or makes me mad. She did this thing where if we were hanging out and someone called her cell and asked what she was doing she'd say "nothing". She recieved another call while talking to me the other day and did it again. She's talking to me long distance but suddenly she's doing nothing? I have to hold for 7 or 8 minutes while she laughs and talks to a friend she works with! I was mad and when I tried to talk to her about it she thinks that I'm attacking her. When I was out there she would come and cry on my shoulder and talk to me about stuff that bothered her. Now since I left she was sexually harrased by a good friend who was talking about how crappy it was that she wouldn't sleep with him because she was dating me. Now she called me at 2:40 in the morning to cry to me about it but it took me 2 and a half weeks to drag what happend out of her! Didn't I have a right to know about this? I am always there for her, she knows she can call me anytime, day or night. I try to be the worlds best damn boyfriend ever. She is being taken advantage of at work. She needs the money and a raise so they have had her work until 11:00 at night and then open at 6:00 the next morning. She is the only one who does this and also works overnights when they ask her. She doesn't like this but when I tried to get her to say something she says I'm baggering her. I don't know what to do. We are fighting all the time and maybe I don't handle things the best way, apparently I "attack her" and sound really mad even when I'm not. The problem is, I don't think I'm wrong. I mean she says I make her feel like she's a bad girlfriend. How can I tell her that I have felt she hasn't been doing very well since I left without losing her? I'm deeply in love with her despite this. The way I feel when I'm with her is indescribible. What should I do? She still says she loves me but I just feel like she has grown distant and that our relationship doesn't mean as much to her now that I'm not there physically. I also feel that our fights have contributed to her questioning our relationship. She always says that breaking up isn't an option, but I want a healthy relationship. I've read enough entries to know that we are supposed to talk about the deeper reasons behind our fights, but how can I do that when I think that the deeper reason is that I feel she loves me less since I left? Please help soon as I'm supposed to be discussing this with her tomorrow.
I am sorry you are in this situation.
I agree with you that since you left physically she has made you a much lower priority in her life. You are justifiably unhappy with the state of affairs. It sounds like her work life is horrible, and maybe that is part of the reason she is so distracted.
Your choices are fairly limited. You could break up with her, but it seems that neither of you want to do that. You could just live with the situation and not complain. Or you could do what you are doing-- living with the situation and complaining.
My advice is that you will be happier in the long run living with the situation without complaining. This would not be easy to do for you to do, of course. If you decide not to complain, don't be surprised if you still do a little bit, that goes with any relationship. But make a goal of not complaining and both of you will feel much, much better.
Enjoy the time you have together as you both love each other. You seem to have more time and energy for the relationship than she does. Certainly she will enjoy talking with you more if there is no arguing.
Give it a shot and see how it goes-- and look forward to next semester!
Best of luck,
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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