Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. It had been perfect until about 15 months ago when he left to go overseas. He is working there now, he is well into his career there, much better than he was over here. His future and career are set over there. I would love to be able to go there, but I can't; I'm going into medical school in about a year to a year and a half, and I can't quit now. I have to finish, and if I wanted to, he wouldn't let me quit anyways. The distance hasn't done any good to our relationship. It's very hard seeing him once every 4 or 5 months when it used to be everyday. Our families oppose it, his sisters can play with his head without him knowing, and we used to be best friends, now we haven't talked in over a year. I couldn't handle it anymore, I told him yesterday that I can hold off on marriage, but I really want to get engaged now. I told him not to call me anymore until he is ready to propose. He asked why, what am I planning on doing, meaning if I'm going to go out with anybody else. He didn't show the slightest hint that he is ready/willing to do it. He asked when I had decided it, then he goes "so that's it? you decided to stop it here? what are you going to lose by staying with me?" And after that the phone cut off, and he hasn't called back. I keep telling myself that I did the right thing. But I'm not ready to lose him, I don't want to break up. I love him to death, but I can't back down because then he will never take me seriously. I have no idea what the next step is.
My sympathies are with you. My advice is to call him back asap and apologize for making an ultimatum. From what you say, you gave him no advance warning but just told him not to call back unless he wanted to propose. That's not a good approach. Even if he wanted to propose, he would not want to do so "under the gun."
Tell him how hard it is for you waiting so long and how much it would mean to you if you were engaged. He probably won't ask you right then and there, so give it time. Give it a month or so and then bring up the subject again, without pressuring him.
I certainly hope things turn out ok for you two... your are both in a really tough situation.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com