Right to have your own feelings
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Iím insecure and I feel part of it is my fault the other part is my boyfriends. He has misled me since day one of our relationship and defends it all. He has yet to admit he has lied. I asked him with in the first two months we dated when was the last time he had been intimate with someone, he said since heís been in the current country we were in. Later I found out he was with his ex-girlfriend less than a month before we met. I found this out as we went back to the U.S. on vacation 4 months later and I was scrolling through the pictures we took so far on our trip on his digital camera and ran across naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend with the date on the picture. He then said when I asked that question he did not lie, he had said that he had never been with any one IN that country. He said the original reason for meeting her at that time was to discuss the money she used him for to pay her school, bills, and the money she flat out stole from his account and lied about. He also told me during this vacation that I was the first girl he ever wanted to marry. I told him the first day we meant that I was in the process of getting a divorced and had been separated for over 9 months. I found out over a year later that he was engaged to his ex-girlfriend for two years, I found this out when I saw the paper work in his sock ($2,500 ring same style he talked about getting me) drawer when I was putting his socks away. I asked him if he was engaged before and he said yes, I flipped out cried, and he told me I was married what did the it matter. He didnít understand the lie is what mattered, if he told me the truth from day one it would have been no big deal. Then I asked him where the ring was and he told me in the garage, only to find out a month later he lied it was not in the garage he had it will him at his work location overseas. Right before my birthday, over a year into our relationship, I found out that while I was overseas working and he was still in the U.S he had her over OUR new house to sign a contract which I was under the impression she had signed over a year before. I did not, and still cannot understand why he had her meet him at our NEW home instead of some where public, I felt he was hiding something. I asked him Why are house and he tells me he does not know it was just convenient for her to stop over after she got out of class. He swears nothing happened and I donít think he slept with her but I donít believe itís as innocent as her being in our new house for 5min to sign a contract saying that she owes him $6,000 in a year. He said he just wants to get rid of her and wants nothing to do with her he just wants his money. I then recently sent some emails from his computer and saw an email he had wrote her, although wrong I did forward it to my email address so that I could read it. Here are copy and pasted lines from that email!
ďNo, I didn't get your email on hotmail. I thought you were avoiding me
:( So, do you have a boy friend yet? I hope you find someone better than me:) I had a dream about you last night so obviously you're still in my mind. I forget exactly what it was about. Well anyways, have a great night!Ē
He told me I was wrong for being hurt by this and Iím taking it the wrong way. HOW else do you take something like that? He yells at me telling me there is nothing between them and I tell him I think he still has feelings for her. Why else would he lie so much about her? Why would he bring her to our house for what ever reason? He calls me names, belittles me, and when I point that out to him he mocks me and tells me Iím doing the whole, POOR me THING.
I love this man, I do but he disregards my feelings and opinions. I try to talk to him and he always ends up interrupting, yelling, and making me feel wrong for hurting, and thatís itís my fault I found out. I was going through the pictures, I was in his sock drawer, and yes I was wrong to snoop in his email but I just had a senses that something was not right. I donít think heís sleeping with her. I think sheís done with him now that she canít get any more money from him but I think he still has feelings for her. Iím at a loss and most of all he tells me Iím wrong to feel the way I do. He tells me there is no reason for me to feel insecure. He has me asking myself, ďwhat is wrong with me?Ē I need someone to tell me I have a right to feel the way I do. Iíll stop now. Oh, one more thing, whenever he does something to hurt me, lies to me, he tells me ďwell youíre the one thatís still married.Ē But I told him from day one, and I tell him the status of the divorce. He uses it against me, itís like he can do whatever he wants because Iím not divorced yet. Iím so lost! I feel because of all this he is the reason Iím insecure because I am a very tall, attractive, young lady with a good head start on life. She is not attractive at all, and used him for money still struggling from job to job and trying to go to a community college. I know I have done more for him in a year than she had in 5 years so why do I feel insecure! EERRR so frustrating. Can you help?
I canít believe how much I wrote.
Your feelings are your own and nobody should try to make you feel bad for having them. You have every right to expect an honest relationship from your boyfriend as honesty is one of the basic elements of a good relationship. Another element is trust and your relationship lacks there too. You have little trust in him because he has lied so often.
Please take this opportunity to explain to him that honest and trust are so important to you that it is interfering with your relationship with him. Don't get into a fight over it, simply state that they are a problem that needs to be worked on. Men very often will jump at a chance to solve a problem and your boyfriend may become engaged with this idea. Avoid specifics as much as possible since they usually lead to a fight.
Try, also, to figure out why he lies. Is he trying to avoid making you unhappy, or is he trying to avoid a fight? Try to convice him that honesty is more important in the long run.
Finally, it should make no difference that you are not yet divorced, you have been separated a long time and he should accept that.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com