Vexing problems

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Your going to love me!! I have a few questions that i need enlightenment on so the best place to start from is the begining. Ive been chatting to this chap for 6 months now online. The first few months we have just been friends although within the last 3 is has started growing into somthing more and really snowballed in the last month.

He lives 880 miles away in another country but recently we have been talking about me going out there to visit for a weekend or so. I dont know if this is too soon tho. Ive never done this before and used to put love online down to people who were desperate and couldnt find love anywhere else. I have since learnt that that was just the shallow side of my personality coming out.

The thing is, im 24 (he's 25) and still find myself in for relationships for the chase, then tend to get bored, go my own way with little concern of feelings for the partner. I had a successful relationship last year for a year and that gave me hope as by means that im not doomed to spend my life 'chasing'. But im scared i might do the same. I dont want to hurt anyone especially this new chap.

So i said i am planning on going out there when i get the money. He wants me to stay with him in his family home, he just lives with his parents. They dont speak english and i dont speak their language so in a way i think this part of it might be fun. But the thought of sleeping with him in his bed makes me think that maybe this is all a bit forward. My ideal is that i make a bloke wait for sex because as i learn them more i get more comfortable and trust more. I dont know if he's expecting sex and if he is how to say no without their being any rejection towards me on his part. I dont even know if its in his mind but the way i see it is all men want sex and nothing more. I really want to sleep with him by way of just spending all night hugging or whatever.

Another huge issue in my life is sex itself. I am just soooo inhibited when it comes to sex. I only get brave enough to do it when im drunk and having sex while sober is out of the question.....what the hell is wrong with me. I dont have a high libido as it is really. I could quite happily have a relationship where sex is almost non exsistant as long as there is a connection of minds. But men dont want this...or do they? I think that alot of it is down to my weight. I am about a stone and a half over weight, i was never able to shake it off after the birth of my daughter when i was 16. I have stretch marks on my tummy which to be honest dont bother me any more its just the shape my tummy went after pregnacy. A few years ago i got down to a very healthy weight for my height and felt fantastic. I know if i was that size again i would be a bit more confident...its just getting there.

I so want to let go and have a full sex life with someone who i love and who loves me. I just dont know how to get there. Should i go and meet this bloke or is it too soon and should i wait. I'll carry on putting it off anyway until i am down to a good weight, and thats not fair on him. I cant talk to him because i never talk to anyone about my problems. Sometimes maybe its the weight problem i hide behind and there are other issues but i dont know. This chap think im a size 12 and weigh 10 and a half stone, im 5 ft 7 so thats a good healthy body. I actually weigh 12 and a half stone and thats not good.

Please could someone tell me the best way to get over myself and run into the world with a smile on my face not giving a damn about what others think....much love and thanks. :) Advice
You have a number of vexing problems on your hands. The guy who wants you to visit; not enjoying sex; and a perception of being overweight.

You mention your weight numerous times, so perhaps that is where you should focus your efforts. You reduced your weight before and you can do it again. This will reduce your anxiety about visiting your friend. It might also make you feel good enough about yourself so that you enjoy sex. If not, you may need some professional guidance to help you better understand yourself.

I agree that putting off the visit is a good idea... at least until you feel better about yourself.

Wishing you all the best!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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