I've Changed, how do I tell my ex?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
About 7 months ago my girlfriend of 2 years moved out, and broke up with me. I didn't understand why exactly, and in my head I began to blame her. I thought of several reasons why she had done me wrong. We tried being friends for a while. We would go places and hang out alot. We started having a physical relationship once again. I had hoped with time that she would come around, but still she kept a distance. Then we began to argue. Small arguements at first, but then it escalated into terrible situations. I really scared her with the things I said and did.
I took a closer look at myself and found that I was the real problm. She left because of me. I have since gone to a therapist who has helped me to understand alot of things about myself, and worked through most of my issues. I'm feeling pretty good about myself. After not speaking to my ex for about 3 months I went to see her and gave her a Christmas present. She reluctantly accepted it, and about two weeks later sent me one in the mail. I would really love the oppertunity to explain to her how bad I feel for my behaivior towards her and let her know that I understand that I was the problem.
I would also like for us to be friends (possibly more in the future). I just don't know where to start. She's still not comfortable seeing me. I completely understand her point of view, but I am really not the same person she once knew. I see her ex (myself) as being a total jerk, and mysef now as a differant person. So much so, that I ven surprise myself some times.
If you know any advice on how to get close enough to her to let her know how I feel about the past, and how I'd like to introduce my new self to her, I would really appreciate it. I do not want her to be uncomfortable, and I'm definately not gonna try to force anything on her. But maybe there's a way to let her know that I've changed.
Thank you so much.
If she's not willing to see you yet, start on the phone. It always helps to hear a person's voice instead of just reading words on a page or screen. So call her up and let her know that you've been seeing a therapist, and apologize for the way you treated her in the past. Admit that you were to blame for many things that went wrong and that you realize it now.
Then talk about the good things you did have together, and the fun times you had. Say that you'd like to take her to dinner somewhere as thanks for all of those good times, and to help bring some resolution to your relationship. It ended on such an unhappy note, and you've now grown so much, that you'd rather have a more happy note with which to remember all the good times together.
Hopefully she'll see the sense in that, and as you're eating in a public place, she won't have real worries about something going wrong. Choose a restaurant that she'll really like, to encourage her to say yes. She'll see this as a way of helping you with your therapy - of having a more happy ending to your story, as it were. And hopefully if things go well, she would then agree to see you again as a friend.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com