Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have spent from 3am till almost 6:30am looking at this wonderful website after another argument with my girlfriend who I really love. I just don't know what to do and I really want to make this relationship work. I have been with her for almost a year and a half, been living with her for about a year. I am willing to talk about challenges in our relationship but I am often met with frustration, anger, and an unwillingness to deal with issues. I realized that I am far from perfect, taking accountability for my shortcomings, but still waiting for some kind of working cooperation from her side. One of the things that I have tried to work on is bugging her about going out drinking. For example, I have worked to get over the jealousy of her going out with friends and not inviting me, as well as being genuinely concerned about her health. I feel like when we do get past a state of argument, she usually speaks her mind by telling me what is wrong with me and what I don't have. I try to understand things from her perspective, work on myself and self esteem, surprise her with nice things that show my thoughtfulness and consideration, and try to work with feedback that I get from her (even when it sounds outrageous). There are times when I feel like I am so close to her and that she really loves me and others where I feel that she treats me like an enemy.
The most difficult thing for me to deal with is that she tells me that that men and women are not equal. She expects that a modern man should be the soul provider of her happiness and financial stability. I tell her that I love her and that I believe that a both people in a relationship share equal responsibility towards each other. I try to explain that each individual does not necessarily bring the same things to the table, but they should both try to contribute the same amount of effort and complement each other's shortcomings. Then, she responds by saying that she is old fashioned. So, I tell her that even in the old days the women still provides something. I am all about equal rights. I just do not know what to do at this point. I feel many times she argues with me because she is frustrated that I am still in college and not making that cash. Many times she will compare me to her friendís boyfriends that buy them expensive gifts and pay for their trips. I feel hurt that she doesn't listen to what I have to say. I am torn apart by the way she compares me, and ignores that fact that I go out of my way to please her. With all these complaints, I wonder why she is still with me. I need some advice, or at least someone tell me that I am not screwed up in the head for thinking that two people who love each other in a relationship share an equal commitment toward the other person (whether it be time, emotional support and/or financial responsibility). Some kind of reasonable combination of the before mentioned things. Thank you for your much needed response!
Desperate in love.
You are in a tough situation and I feel for you.
I agree with you concerning equal commitment in a relationship. Unfortunately, your girlfrind does not. I think you are right that she is jealous of her friends who are better off financially. There is no immediate solution for that except your graduating and getting a job. She should be willing to understand that.
What really counts in a relationship is that two people value each other for what they are. You want her to be different and she wants you to be different. This makes for some of the frustrations you two have. She doesn't seem to meet you half-way in resolving the different viewpoints. She sounds rather immature compared to you. The best advice I have is for you to have patience with her and hope that gradually your differences lessen.
My best wishes to you,
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com