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A Love Quote
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. --David Viscott

Can't get a woman to show emotion - Round 2

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
[this is the second version of the exact same question, now from a female point of view]

I've got a very good friend of that I've known for about a year and a half now. I knew we had chemistry the moment we met (or thought anyway). She seemed to confirm this feeling many times, but due to a previous relationship she was still in a lot of pain emotionally. I understood completely and suggested that we just keep doing what we're doing and we'd give it a shot when the time was right.

About 7 months later, it seemed she was trying to give me signals, hanging out more, getting closer, talking more, etc. I approached her, thinking that maybe the time was right...my approach was in vain. She said that she still couldn't and was sorry about the "signals", that she realized we flirt a lot, but didn't mean to lead me on. It hurt, but we moved on.

We continued to be friends and I've recently talked to her about it again when it seemed to be the right thing to do. At the moment we are both in the military stationed overseas, so we can't exactly do anything here, but I suggested that when we return and things settle down that we maybe give it a shot. Her response was a sad, "sorry, it's just not like that." We talked for a while and she told me that I only know one side of her, the good side. I am by no means a young, starry-eyed boyscout that puts every love interest on an unrealistic pedestal and reassured her that I have been in other realtionships and understand that everyone has ups and downs. She thought she had given me erroneous signals again and apologized profoundly, but I told her it wasn't about signs, it was about our friendship. She again apologized, but wanted us to continue to be good friends.

I'm curious how we will be friends at all(or how we ever could've been for that matter) if I only knew "one side of her." I thought we had good communication, but I guess I was wrong?). Apparently we have some honesty issues, but we would never do anything to hurt one another on purpose. Do you think that we are, perhaps, stuck in the polite "Acquaintance" stage? Not wanting to step on eachother's toes in any way? One sad thing I've noticed is that we never really talk to eachother about our feelings and what we're thinking. Given, we are not in a situation at the moment where we can just sit down and hang out any time, but we NEVER really talked.

I'm just curious if you have any insight into what might be going through her mind. We don't see eachother very often, so we do not have much chance for conversation, but does she care anything about our friendship? She never expresses her emotions, so I have no idea where she's at. I try to ask and it seems like it bothers her. I don't want to chase her away by asking all the time, but I just don't know whats going on. Any help would be appreciated.

RomanceClass.com Advice
First off, this is Lisa, not Jenn :) Jenn isn't available for answering questions right now. I have to say, it seems your complaint with the previous answer is that it was not what you wanted to hear. I read your message and came up with the exact same feeling that George did. Look, you've been after this woman for quite some time now. You have given her AMPLE time to fall in love with you or even in LIKE with you. She is constantly trying to gently push you off of her and you just aren't taking the hints.

None of us are magic-8 balls. None of us could POSSIBLY know what is going through her mind. All we're getting is your point of view on how things happen. You guys have known each other for months and months and she simply isn't interested in opening up to you. When you press her she is quietly polite so she doesn't hurt your feelings.

George was in fact trying to be gentle with you too, to give you a ray of hope that there could be an ulterior motive, that she wouldn't want to get involved in a situation that was likely to not work out anyway. You are pressing for something more so I'll be less gentle. This woman COULD easily have worked on a long distance relationship if things clicked between you two. She is choosing to actively keep you and your hopes DOWN. Some people just do not click. Some people just don't have any real desire to spend time with certain other people. Who knows why, maybe your pheremones clash.

I really have to say that it sounds like your desire to be with her and your interpretation of her signals seem to have been founded in your own hopes and dreams and not in reality. This girl has said repeatedly that you misinterpeted what was going on. As you pushed her, she has said repeatedly that she's not interested. Unless you want her to become outright rude, I'm not sure what pressuring her for even more details is going to gain you. I would honestly accept that it wasn't meant to be and spend your time and energy pursuing a woman who actually cares for you the way you are and will respond to your efforts.

If you're just going to keep writing back or writing other websites hoping for another answer that better suits your optomistic spirit, that's hardly a healthy way to deal with an issue :) I would have hoped that her constant "No"s would have been enough to make that clear to you - the MOST important thing you can ever do is respect a person's statements and feelings as being true. If she keeps saying NO and you keep ignoring her, that's not a very good sign.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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