The Kiss

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I'm sorry about the length of the story but i feel the need to say a lot. If you want me to shorten it then please e-mail me and i will do so:

I've been with my girlfriend, "V", now for 6 and a half months. We had the perfect relationship, we got on as best friends, talked all the time, enjoyed each others company and above all, all we ever did together was just laugh and have a smile on our face when together. She says its so 'rare' to find someone like me, and describes me as "the most amazing person she's ever met and someone she can't help but admire". I loved her to bits, she's so lovely, smiley, pretty and everything i've ever wanted in a girlfriend. I'm 19, she's recently turned 20 and we met at university. Our 'homes' are 300 miles apart, I live in the midlands and she lives on the east coast. Things have been great but she confessed on Tuesday that she cheated on me after three months, kissing another lad on a night out. Here's the full story:

"V" had just finished a stressful time at uni completeing 6 essays in 6 weeks. She was really up for a night out so as her usual friends were still doing coursework, she decided to go out with two of her coursemates. They went to a club owned by the student union, but when they got there, there was about 10 people in there, because most students were busy with exams and coursework etc. They just decided to get really drunk as a result. "C" (one of her friends) has a boyfriend but started to talk to two lads that were in there. As the night went on, everyone got really really drunk and "J" was in a state and fell over and felt really sick. "C" decided an ambulance was needed so as "V" was at the bar, they got in an ambulance outside and went to hospital. Everyone was absolutely paraletic and no-one knew what they were doing. The two lads that "C" was talking to went up to "V" at the bar and told her that "C" and "J" had gone to hospital. The club they were in had just decided to close early because of the lack of numbers, so the two lads invited "V" to move onto another club with them. "V" says that she just thought it'd be 'fun' and wanted to continue the night. She was that drunk that she didn't know what was going on. Anyway they went to another club and the lads bought her drinks and then went to dance. The night continued and one of the lads made a move on her and she kissed him back. She told me that she pulled away and said "I can't believe i've just done that" and walked off. Then she came back to dance for a bit longer and told them that she wanted to go home. They all got a taxi and dropped "V" off, where the two lads helped her pay for the taxi and put the change back in her purse. They came in for a glass of water and went. Two days later, "V" cried herself silly and confessed all to one of her housemates. She kept it from me for nearly three months.

She tells me though, that all she talked about was me all night to the lads, and how amazing and great I was etc. Yet she still kissed him? Her reasons for kissing him is that she'd said that the week leading up to it, she'd had a panic attack of thinking "oh my God, "T"'s so amazing and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm never going to be single again". She says at the moment he came onto her, she thought "this is my last chance of being single". The horrible thing is though, I've been cheated on twice before, I hate cheating so much, I think its the worst thing anyone can do. I feel so strongly about it because of my past. I've told "V" so many
times what I feel about cheating and she always said "i'd never do that to you, ever. I couldn't do that to you". Yet she has.

To make things even worse, she told me on the last day of our holiday in Wales. My gran had allowed us to use her static caravan for free and we had the most amazing week and a half. Then on the last night, the subject of that night arose and I confronted her about it. I made her swear on her mums life that nothing happened. She did but was really flinchey, and her head moved alot and she was blinking crazily. I knew she was lying and she eventually told me that she couldn't keep it from me any longer. I've always been suspicious of that night, and confronted her several times before, she denied it all. The story she always told me was the same as above but obviously without the kissing bit.

For the first time in the life, i've been happy, and its alot to do with her. I've had a bad childhood, i was bullied by peers and teachers at school. Had no confidence what-so-ever at college to talk to people and my confidence was battered by the time i was 18. I gradually worked my way back up and sorted myself out with good friends to become a kind, funny, caring person that everyone loved. Then interest from girls happened at uni, both ended with me finding out they cheated on me. One of them I caught kissing a lad in a club after she told me that she wasn't going out that night. I was distraught. "V" knows all of this in detail. Thats why when I was with her everything felt great. I do think that she is my soulmate, whatever has happened, the chemistry we have is like nothing i've ever seen in any other relationship and I honestly thought i'd marry her and spend forever with her. She's told me the same before. It just all felt so right. Thats why I can't believe this has happened. I'm so angry, upset, dissapointed, confused and i just don't know what to do. I've always given her the space and the freedom to go out with just her friends because i've always known that i can trust her, and now she's betrayed that trust and thrown it back in my face.

Part of me says I should put it down as a mistake cos I could have a wonderful life with her, really wonderful, but another part can never forgive what she's done and it'll always be in my mind, i'd also find it hard to trust her. We're both back at 'home' now and i've told her i need time to think about whether i should finish or not. I want it to work but i'm afriad i won't be able to trust her. I'd maybe prepared to forget the kiss but i just don't know if i can trust her again and if i can stop thinking about it. I just couldn't go out with another girl again after this, everyone would just remind me of her. Advice
I would take her at her word and understand her feelings of wanting to be single "one last time." You have a beautiful relationship with a wonderful girl who made a mistake. It will take time to trust her again, but you will, and the pain that she caused you will lessen with time.

Let the healing process begin and give her another chance is my advice.

Best regards,

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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