Friend is going to get married
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I really need some advice from any and all angles possible...
I have this wonderful friend that lives far away. We have been friends for about 2 years now and she recently emailed me saying she was getting married!! Out of the blue!! I'm a guy and the moment I first said hello to her, I was captivated and knew that we had something special. I'd talked to her about it but everytime i did, she would say that she neede time to digest it all. That's all, though, never another word about it. I tried to put it all behind me and accept that it would never happen, but I still care a whole lot about her. We are still friends today like we'd known eachother our entire lives and have entrusted secrets to one another no one else will ever know about, but now that she's getting married, any role/responsibilities that I play/have in her life will be taken over by her newfound "prince charming"(at least if he's worth anything at all). She's pretty conviced that they were destined for one another. I'm 24 and she's 25, so this isn't exactly and inexperienced girl falling for her first love--she's actually very intelligent, down-to-earth, and sometimes overly cynical woman, so I trust her when she says she has thought this out. But I guess when you meet that special someone, you just know..thats what she says.
So anyway, my problem is that my role as her friend/confidant will soon be over, as he is now in her life and being married (esp. in the newlywed stage) she will have to dedicate a lot of time to her new life. She's excited and all I would ever want is for her to be happy, but I will have no place in her new life and being the kind of person I am, I cannot love another man's wife--I just won't do it, it's the wrong way. It would just lead me in circles around the once-there, now-distant past. So, I think it's time for me to step-back and push us apart, but I don't want to be cold about it, but that's the only way I know how.
I'm from a military family so (1) I've spent my growing up years having to do this one form or another, (2) I was always taught(especially me now being in the military myself, currently in Iraq of course), to instinctively react instantaneously and feel emotions later after the problem is solved, and (3) I'm realistic and know that not everything(in fact very little of anything) lasts forever and you have to call it quits sometime, especially if it could be best for both parties in the long run. It just hurts.
I do feel kind of abandoned. But we are friends on a level that I don't thin we could be with her having a husband. Like there will be certain things we can't discuss anymore, and things that (if they truly are what she says they are) we won't be able to be there for. For example, we won't spend all day talking to eachother anymore...she won't call me at 3am and spill her fears and worries to me anymore...we can't plan trips or vacations with eachother anymore.....I'm losing someone I care so much about. I'd lay down everything I have for her, and my instinct tells me to at least stick it out until I am sure that he will treat her the way she needs to be treated with all the love and respect that she rightfully deserves, and until I am absolutely sure she will be happy, then explain to her why we have to throw in the towel. It hurts so much, but I don't want to compromise her happiness and future just for my sake.
She lives in michigan and I in texas. It's always been that way, sadly. I've only met her face-to-face 2 or 3 times in the entire 2 years or so we've been talking, but you'd never be able to tell. So, being in iraq really isn't much of a distance problem. Like I said, I've told her before about how I feel, but she would just take it all in and never another word about it. I know nothing between us will ever happen, mainly because of our distance apart, and I've accepted this...doesn't mean I have to like it though.
I rips my heart to hear her cry, but at the same time, just knowing that when she's most vulnerable and heartbroken, she looks to me for comfort, to dry her eyes, to make her laugh and reassure her that everything will be alright, no matter what the situation--that we can work through it together. I'm extremely good at all that, and it makes me so happy to think that I can be there for her.....and soon I won't be able to do that anymore. I just feel like useless, like a slow death. Everything we've shared will be gone and I'll still be standing here in the rain.
So if anyone has some advice (should I really sink this beautiful ship even though it would hurt us so much? How should I do it?) I would be VERY grateful.
My advice is to continue to be her friend, but only if you think you can lose those loving feelings. Because, as you said, you cannot be in love with another man's wife.
If you cannot stop loving her, now is the time to gradually break off your correspondence. No reason to be cold about it. Just present it as a natural thing that needs to be done given the change in her life.
None of this is pleasant, and you have my sympathy for your suffering. Yet, you have no choice but to face up to it and take care of it as best you can.
Best wishes to you,
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com