I thought I would not have to deal with heartache again.

Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
I am 45 years old and thought I would not have to deal with heartache again. I had been married for 12 years. I got married to have a family. My husband is a nice person, but neither of us have been happy for years. We have been in counseling for a year and realized we just are both good people but not good for each other.

While my marriage was falling apart I became closer to my first love (BC) from college- it was just bad timing years ago. We had always been good friends over the past 20+ years. Finally while we both were still married we got together. I realized what I had been missing all these years- he was my best friend and someone I truly loved. This happened about 3 years ago. We got together 5 times over the next year. We talked and were always friends and both struggled with what to do. His marriage was similar to mine. He decided he needed to figure out if he could be happy in his marriage so we went through a period of no communication for about 6 months last year. I also thought about what I wanted and realized I did not want to grow old with my husband. I have a 5 year old and just thought I would wait until she was older.

BC realized after 6 months that his marriage would not change, but was unsure if he would leave as he had a 16 year old and 12 yo. Neither of our marriages were awful they were just unhealthy.

We did not get together but talked alot and were friends but knew that there was more there. We both thought we needed to figure things out. Then suddenly BC's wife asked for a divorce in JAnuary. He was shocked- I am still really unsure of why she wanted it-- but there were money issues and she was unhappy too. BC was a surgeon who could no longer operate due to an injury. He had a good salary from his disability but not the same as before the injury. At one point she told him he should go to law school so he could make more money.

Any way I was just there for him. Being supportive and felt I should not say anything negative about his wife- but just be a soft landing. In March he asked me if I would leave my husband. I told him I wanted to leave but it may take 5 years. He said he would wait forever-- and was completely commmited to me and us. He was completely amazing about it. He did not pressure me, but wanted to be together. We had a relationship that was built on 20 years of friendship and respect for each other. The physical part was great but the friendship was incredible. We both trusted each other completely and always had.

I encouraged him to go out and do things. In April I decided I needed to figure things out and over the next 2 months realized I needed to be happy and decided to get divorced. I told my husband. It was a rough 2 months for me.

I had just done this when BC and I talked and I wanted to fly down and get together and tell him in person. He for the first time was distant and I pushed him and after awhile on the phone he said he was no longer in love with me. The last month was stressful for me-- but I did not think that was a problem. (He had even said that my relationship with my husband would not affect us- he wanted me to be happy. He said he was not some guy that would bring out the worst in me as my husband had done and that he loved me fr me.) I was shocked and asked why. He said he could not wait 5 years. I told him I was getting dovorced. He asked when, how long would it take, etc...and then said it did not matter- he was not in love with me. He said it was not one thing but little things that added up and made him realize it probably would not work.

That was a month ago.... I flew done there the week after this conversation intending to vent, but when I saw him I just saw my best freind standing there. We spent the afternoon together and in a sense had a good time. We did nottalk much about us- only once when he told me how sorry he was and that he truly meant everything he had said and it just did not seem like it would work. I did not try to get him to change his mind as this would not happen and only make him feel like he did the right thing. He said he wanted to stay friends but would do whatever I wanted. I told him I did not know what I could handle and got out of the car and just said goodbye.

After 2 weeks I emailed him and we have communicated twice a week by email-- just friends. He wants me to be happy and wants me to move on from my husband as he thinks he makes me very unhappy. He is still struggling with his wife and is still hurting but I assume he is dating at this point.

So -- I still love him and want him...he is in another state so I can't casually run into him. What do I do???

RomanceClass.com Advice
This sounds so very rough for you. I think it best that you are out of the marriage, I know what it's like to be in a relationship that is just not working, and trying to make it work anyhow for the children.

It is very unfortunate that this friend of yours, who wanted to be with you for years, suddenly did an about face and refused you. That is a very hard thing to take. I don't know why he did this, perhaps he liked the fantasy better than the reality? You have to ask him what was in his mind, and I hope that he does tell you the honest truth. You have a right to know.

In the meantime, pick up the pieces of your life and make a new picture out of them. You will succeed and be happier than you were before, and everything will work out right.

I wish you the best.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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