Is there a chance she will take me back, or am I just holding onto false hope?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am a 26 year old male that was deeply in love with my girlfriend for four years who recently left me because I cheated on her. She found out because only 3 weeks after I did it I had so much guilt, I told her the truth about what I did. There were many factors about why I did it. We recently had been talking a lot about marriage and starting a family in the future, and I was getting scared about settling down and being with one person for the rest of my life. I often would tell myself that I wanted to have one more sexual experience with someone else before I settled down. We also were experiencing major problems in our sex lives. It is weird because when we first started dating we had sex and made love and it was good and satisfying. But about the third year of our relationship things started to become a big mess. She was prone to yeast infections a lot and would get them frequently so we werent able to have sex a lot. She finally got over these infections but didnt seem very sexually active anymore. So we were having sex every now and then and a lot of the time she would say it hurts. I would get really frustrated and wonder what was going on. She finally told me that something traumatic sexually happened to her a few years before our relationship and it was really hard for her to have sex and not associate it with negative feelings, she would tell me to just hang in there and have patience because she was working on getting it better. I waited and we would occasionally have sex but it was not good and satisfying anymore, I would feel that I was just hurting her which in turn didnt turn me on because I dont get turned on and satisfied if I feel like my partner is not enjoying it as well. So it got to the point where we were hardly intimate with each other. She would always tell me to just wait and hang in there that things would get better, but they were not. I tried to break it off with her a few times but could never go through with it because she would end up in tears and I would end up thinking about everything we had together and all of the good in our relationship, and I didnt want to let it all go. So I had a one night stand with another woman. Now that I have told her the truth about what happened she is gone. Now I sit here and know that I deeply broke her heart and mine as well. All of my friends tell me that I should have lied and never told her the truth, but I couldnt live with the guilt I was feeling. Now I want her back more than anything. And it is strange because all the fears I had about settling down and having a family are gone. I feel like in my heart she is the woman for me and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I keep thinking of the kids we were going to have and the life we were going to share. And I want that more than anything. She is the kindest most gentle and beautiful woman I have ever met, and besides our sexual problems towards the end, she was perfect for me, she was my best friend. I just dont know what to do now to get her back. She still talks to me daily and we cry and tell each other we are still so in love with each other but she firmly says she can never be with me again. And I am beating myself up for what I did. Is there a chance she will take me back, or am I just holding onto false hope? I know in my heart that if she takes me back that I will never cheat on her again. What should I do? I am in tears daily thinking about this and it is driving me nuts. Advice
As the old saying goes, you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I can't say whether she will come back to you or not, it all depends on if she can get over your betrayal or not. She might not be able to, or if she does and takes you back, she will always have a part of her wondering if you're going to do it again to her. This is the bed you made for yourself. The positive signs are that she still loves you and she talks with you on a daily basis. This does give you the oppoortunity to convince her to give you another shot.

One thing to keep in mind is that you're now putting a rosy glow over the whole relationship. There were serious downsides to it that drove you to cheat, and there were serious problems that weren't getting resolved. Now that you're out of the situation, you'll gloss over them because you remember all the positives. But it wasn't all peaches and cream and if you can put it all into perspective perhaps the breakup won't hurt as much.

The up-side is that you have a wealth of knowledge that you will bring into your next relationship, whether it's with her or someone new. You will be able to have more understanding and empathy to your next girlfriend. And in turn, you will be able to be clearer with her about what you want and need.

I wish you the best.


-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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