Joe was married and has two children, his wife got sick and passed away about four months ago.

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Ok, I need some advice on what I should do in this situation. I've never been in this situation before. My neighbor introduced me to her boyfriends best friend. We'll call him, "Joe". I am 25 and he is 26. So the age thing is not the problem. Anyway, Joe was married and has two children, his wife got sick and passed away about four months ago. I met Joe, we went out a couple of times and we had a great time. I also have two children with my ex boyfriend, we were never married, I have never been married. We even got together and had a play date with the kids a few times. We have also have had sex and we both agreed it was great. I am letting him set the pace because I don't want to rush him into anything because I understand that he is still mourning his wife. We have talked about the situation and sometimes I just listen because I don't know what to say, and it seems to be a comfort to him just to get it out. His children like me and mine like him and they get a long good too as do we. He did call me like a month and a half after we started seeing each other and said that he didn't think he was ready for a relationship yet because he felt like he is cheating on his wife and also didn't think it was fair to drag me on his emotional roller coaster. So we agreed to just be "friends". My children go to their dad's house every other weekend. "Joe" calls once in awhile during the week, barely. But every other weekend he calls and we end up getting together but then I basically only hear from him again when my kids go to their dads. Although he did call the other night and invite me and my kids to the fire works. He tells me he is not using me. But I'm thinking that thats not true. We did agree that we wouldn't see other people and see where things go from here. But if he wanted a relationship, wouldn't he call all the time? I am very confused in what to do. I still don't want to rush him because of what he has gone through, but I also don't want to confuse either of our kids either. What should I say to him or do??!! Please Help!!! It will be greatly appreciated. Advice
Joe is still grieving the death of his wife. This process can take up to a year. He is on an emotional rollercoaster. His life has been turned upside down. Not only has he lost the woman he thought he would spend the rest of his life with, but his children have lost their mother. He has to help them deal with that, too.

The best thing you can do is just wait. It would be a lot worse if he rebounded with you and made you his kids their surrogate mother.

Give him time and space, but don't forget to call him once a week or even ask if you can bring by some home cooked meals. It's small, but it is something his family has lost.

In due time, your dilligence will be rewarded. Just remember that for now, he is barely getting through his days and he is lonely and afraid and very, very sad.

Best wishes,

PS There is no reason why your kids and his still can't play. Get them together in neutral places, like the playground. That way you are not on his home turf sending his kids mixed signals (and also allowing them to mourn) and you are not sending your kids signals that he might become their step-dad.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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