However, i do not feel as though he is my 'soul mate'

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female

I have been with my current boyfriend for almost two years now and we have a beautiful child together. However, i do not feel as though he is my 'soul mate', i dont believe we have that unbelievable connection. At the beginning i thought he was wonderful but now i dont feel attracted to him and i see him as immature, spoilt and selfish. I always wonder what life would be like if i went back out with my ex who always made me laugh and smile most of the time. However, the problem with my ex is that when he got drunk he would turn into a monster. He never physically hurt me but he get paraletic drunk and make a fool of himself and me. This happened atleast once a fortnight. But my ex was a fantastic guy when he was sober. I feel that maybe i rushed in too quickly with my current boyfriend (as i started going out with him almost immediately when i broke up with my ex). Can i be happy with my current boyfriend? or am i always going to fantasise about life with my ex?

Thanks Advice
You will probably always have fantasies about your ex, because that's just how people are built. We're also built to long after things that we don't have, the whole grass-is-greener concept. So you're probably also fantasizing about what life would be like without your current boyfriend. That's all perfectly normal.

I don't believe that getting back with your ex will do anything but drive you crazy and put your child in a bad situation. It's not a good idea to raise a child around a drunk. So go ahead and fantasize, but leave it at that.

I have a hard time believing in the 'soul mate' idea. But I do believe that the average couple can become extremely close and forgiving of one another's faults. And it sounds like he has some faults that are driving you nuts. This may improve over time, as he grows up, or you might just have to work around his faults and accept it. Just know that you can't change him no matter what you do. It all has to come from him.

I do believe that you can and will be happy within this relationship. You have a beautiful child together, and you can work on being a strong couple. And maybe a strong love connection will grow again.

I wish you the best.


-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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just work it out

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