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Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole. -- Derek Walcott



He was totally honest with me from the beginning



Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have been dating a guy who is trying to play on both sides of the fence. I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months. He was totally honest with me from the beginning about he and his ex-wife still cohabitating, but living in seperate rooms until the house sold (for financial reasons). He wanted a relationship from the very beginning, I told him I was not capable of that at the time. I lied to him about seeing someone else(but I had never made him any promises), when he found out he said he could'nt trust me. I said I was sorry and that I would never lie to him again, and we continued to see each other. After a few weeks and getting to know him better I decided to be exclusive with him and I stopped dating other guys, although I did'nt tell him this right away. He became overly critical of me, telling me I was selfish and that he had to change his mindset in order to keep seeing me, but that I was the only one he was interested in and that when he is seeing someone that is the only person, but he had to pull back for self preservation- he said he did'nt know what he wanted, confused. When I did finally tell him that I had feelings for him and that I wanted to be with him only, he told me that he could'nt see me anymore even though he loved me, he needed to deal with his trust issues, he did'nt know what he wanted and that he needed to deal with getting his ex out of the house-- we needed a break. Although I was very upset I excepted this and agreed. 2 days after that I called him and he answered his cell but he did'nt know that he had answered so I overheard a conversation about how he had been on match.com for the last 2 weeks and had 10 dates setup. I was crushed. I emailed him and told him that I had heard his conversation and never wanted to see him again. Again 2 days later he shows up at my house unannounced and begins to rage about the email I sent him, to make matters worse I had a male friend over whom he also shouted at. I tried to calm the situation and asked my friend to leave so that I could talk to my ex. At which time he told me he wanted to be with me and that he was sorry he lied to me and that we could work it out. We spent the next few days (weekend) intimately and it seemed like things were going to be okay. He then did'nt call me when he said he was going to and there were several days that passed and I did'nt hear from him. I repeatedly tried to call him and finally after the 4th day I sent an email telling him I could'nt deal with this erratic behavior and it was over for good. He became angry with me and replied that it was fine by him and that he had an out of town emergency and had left his phone at home- and basically this was all my fault. We shared a lot together in a very short time and it hurts terribly that when I finally let my guard down I got the shaft. I saw him a couple of weeks later and it was instant, we could'nt take our eyes off each other. We talked and he asked me to give him until the middle of July when his ex wife would be moved out and we could start over- wipe the slate clean. He said that he missed me and that he loved me and that he really wanted to see what we could have without all the baggage on both our parts. I told him that I was'nt sure yet and that could we meet later and talk more- he agreed. He showed up later and when he walked into the restaurant and saw me talking to another male- he again became enraged and told me he was done and that this was goodbye. He then proceeded to talk to the first girl he could to try to make me jealous. I left alone. I tried to reach him the next couple of days to explain that the guy was just a friend (no interest whatsoever on my part) and that he overreacted but he refuses to respond at all. I don't really know what to do. I feel semi-responsible but I also know that his jealousy is out of control, maybe because of his trust issues- which he is very much aware of. I can't help that I still have feelings for him and I do want to give him the time he needs to get his affairs in order (the ex is moving out the end of June) to see if there really is anything between us that is worth salvaging. I just don't know how to reach him, especially now when he won't except my calls. I tried to make a list of pros and cons about him to see if it was him I was really feeling for or just the fact that his determined pursuit of me the first two months was making me feel this way- it came out exactly even :/. I truly think he has some noble qualities but I don't know that he can let go of some of his issues so that we can move forward. I do love him and I want to make it work if at all possible- I just don't know how. Help?




RomanceClass.com Advice
His insane jealousy is out of control. I think that would be a huge big red flag that would drive you away instantly. It doesn't matter that he then comes back begging for you again. That sort of jealousy is dangerous and will kill the relationship. If he's serious about getting with you, then insist that he go for therapy and after a month of it, then you'll see about getting back with him. He -needs- to get it under control, and if he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior then he will never change.

He's not returning your phone calls, and yet you think that this man is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. He's been immature and ungrateful, stand-offish and jealous. He's flat out lied to you about dating other women. These are not traits that are very desirable. No matter how good he can be at other times, this childish behavior indicates that he's going to treat you without respect and without compassion or understanding. This is not a relationship you want to be in.

Aside from that, I think that he needs a break anyhow. He's coming out of a marriage, he needs a few months to clear his head and find out what he really wants in life and a relationship. Otherwise he'll make the same mistakes all over again. You deserve to be in a relationship that has a chance at success. One with him right now will not survive.

I wish you the best.

Jenn



-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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