I just so happen to be the jealous and insecure person

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been reading the information on this site and on other as well and I still can't seem to find the answers i'm looking for. I just so happen to be the jealous and insecure person.... My boyfriend recently went on a trip (for guys only). My boyfriend is a very nice guy, nice to the point that he can be considered nieve. However, we both acknoledge that I clearly have issues with jealousy and insecurity and we have been trying our hardest to identify these inappropriate feelings and actions and come up with solutions. The problem is even though I don't speak up and I don't overreact like I once did, I still have these overwhelming feelings inside me that are just as strong as they have always been. I figured by just keeping my mouth shut and "dealing" with it I would eventually begin to lose some of those feelings and be okay with it. But they arent going away they eat at me from inside out. Before my boyfriend left on his trip I told him I would like him to have a good time but also started saying things that I know I shouldnt say..but I do!. The reasons why I began to change my opinion is because when I think about him being out there with a bunch of men ( who are in relationships and almost break their necks in mid conversation cause a half naked chick walks by)....It makes me feel really depressed and uncomfurtable. I KNOW he will not cheat on me, but just the fact that he is in that sort of atmosphere makes me literally sick to my stomach. I know that my feelings are wrong and I should not feel this way, but I honestly can't help it. I know what things I should be doing to help cure myself and my boyfriend knows what SHOULD be effective as well. He is an amazing person and I don't know what to do and I don't want to sabotage another relationship and later look back and realize how pathetic I was. I probably will continue to let on that I am sad that he is away and won't turn it into a big thing. The only way I have ever found effective in dealing with my issues is disconnecting myself from the relationship, which I know is the worst possible way, it's almost like sabotaging my own relationship. I love him and I need some direction in other methods possibly to help me contain my inappropriate feelings and behavior. I want to change and I wish I could not care about stupid things like this! I think that my overall view of men, (because of media, double standards, and first hand experiances) have played a big role in my feelings and thoughts. I will never come to accept what society says is "typical male behavior". I know that this is a lot to swallow but any sort of feedback could help me out tremendously!

Thank you for you time and help!

RomanceClass.com Advice
Well, I don't accept "typical male behavior" either. I think it's boorish and an excuse for bad behavior. But it doesn't mean you have to drown in jealousy every time your guy leaves your side. Jealousy comes from when you feel there's a chance that you will lose your guy to another woman. It stems from insecurity in the relationship and a sense that he could leave at any moment. This is where faith and trust come in. You say you trust him, so go ahead and trust him. Know that no matter what situation he's in (no matter how hot the strippers might make him feel!), he's returning to you at night and he wants to be with you and he will remain with you. The other girls really don't matter to him other than as sex objects (which yes, men should not be objectifying women in such a manner... goes back to the typical behavior that we both hate). He's not treating you as a sex object, you are his girlfriend and the one that he loves more than anyone else in the world.

When he leaves, and you feel jealousy kicking in, go over in your mind all the ways that he leaves and returns and how he won't leave you forever. That no matter what may lie in his path he will come back to you. Have faith in him. And the more you repeat that to yourself, calming yourself, you will feel better. When you start thinking about him looking at other women, think to yourself, "so what? He's coming home to me." and know that it means you are special and wonderful and offer him so much more than he could get from a bucket of eye candy walking by. And he knows it and you know it... it's just getting it into your heart, which will only happen with time and repetition.

I wish you the best!


-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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