She's Incapable of Trust

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
When will she trust me? I have been seeing my fiancee for 3 months now but we have dated for 3 months like 3 years ago, and we got back together. All of her life she has dated people that have played with her mind and used her, cheated on her, rapped her, and physically abused her, but she does not trust me.

She always asks me "so you'll never cheat on me, you'll never lie to me, you'll never fall out of love with me, etc." all the time and its really annoying and she always thinks that I am going to do those things when I'm not because I know in my heart that I never would and that she means the world to me. So how can I develop trust here with that? She always says comments like "I saw you checking that guil out", or "go ahead and f%%% her" and things like that and I feel that those comments are really unhealthy expecially if were engaged! Advice
You know, I should make sure every person that's jealous reads this letter, so they realize how much they *damage* their relationship with their irrational jealousy!! Jealousy and distrust are all in the *jealous person's head* 99% of the time. Like in this case. And the jealous person is harming EVERYONE involved by being so defense. She figures she doesn't want to be hurt. So she proactively accuses you of things so that she isn't "surprised" when you're bad to her. But in the end it means that she actively demolishes your relationship and it's a self fulfilling prophecy. When you leave, she goes, "So there! I knew he would!" and feels vindicated, never even realizing it was her own fault.

There is no way you can *prove* you're honest. And someone who is irrationally jealous thrives on that emotion, it becomes a way of life for them. So you need to break that cycle. You can try this on your own with her, but I really think she sounds serious and that you'll need to involve a priest, minister, therapist, etc. to get it to work.

In essence, sit down with her. Read my 'how to have a hard talk' -

and when you're ready, tell her you LOVE her and that you are 100% committed to having this relationship work. And that the CORE of any relationship is honesty and trust. That you have full trust in her and have been 100% honest with her. That you NEED this same trust and honesty from her, and that she needs to commit to you, right now, to trust you. You are not any other guy she has dated in the past. You are YOU.

From this night on, you both will work hard on the relationship and not undermine it with lack of trust. Any time she starts to have a distrustful thought, she needs to evaluate it. Is it REAL or is it her old thought pattern actively working to destroy the relationship? If it's real, then she can talk to you in a HELPFUL way about it and you can together find a solution. She should NOT keep up these snide comments. If it is NOT real, she should actively dismiss it from her mind and train herself not to keep up that pattern.

She might be able to try it on her own, but it really might take therapy for her to beat this. Again, tell her that it's for her own good, for the good of your relationship because her behavior is hurting all of you. Hopefully she'll be able to see that, and will take some action. But it is NOT healthy and cannot continue if the relationship is to last.

Good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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