Is my expectation too high? does “soul mate” exist
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
Is my expectation too high? Is “soul mate” exist or just a “movie” term?
I have been in a long distance relationship for about 9 months. She lives in Washington State and I live in Texas. We have had a lot of good memories, a lot of good time during this short period. There are talks about how I should move up to be with her. It was really great at first. We shared a lot of good time and happiness. Then, reality arrived (as always). She is a very positive, happy person who do not like not talk about any negative issues (lay back and go by the flow). I feel like this is not being realistic. I am more of a realistic person (of course, he feels I am too negative). I am also a more emotional person (good/bad, while she is a more calm/reserve person. We have talked/argued about these differences in the past. She doesn’t see these as major problems, while I really wanted to connect with her all level, including emotional intimacy. These differences really appeared from my stressful experience last week. I had to travel to New York to deal with a family crisis (relating to my father who lives in NY). One evening, while I was in NY, I felt very emotionally down by the end of the day, after all the stress of dealing with this family crisis. I needed and wanted someone to talk. Therefore, I called my girl friend and told her I am not happy. Her first response was that I am always not happy. With that, I told her that I have nothing else to talk to her. She said okay. I waited for her to hang up, and then I hang up my phone. I still wanted to talk to her, but didn't want to call again for her initial response had already rejected my reach for her help. She though I had "hang up on her", so she never called me back the entire night. Because I was not able to talk to her, when I really needed her, I did not feel any emotional connection (or intimacy) with her. How could she not sense I was really, really down that night? More importantly, how can I talk to her about problems in the future? How will we emotionally connect in the future if similar problems arise? We had several talks when I got back in Texas. Finally, we decided to take a break from each other. It was very emotional for both of us. I still love her and miss her a lot, but because of our differences, I don't think we can emotionally connect at the level of my expectation... the "soul mate" level. Is my expectation too much during those stressful time last week? Am I being "too unrealistic” in demanding this deep emotional connection from my girlfriend... from my soul mate?
I believe you're at a very vulnerable point in your relationship, but not one that is insurmountable. There is still hope.
I do believe in soulmates, but I think that you're giving the wrong definition to it. You seem to think that a soulmate will be an exact match to you, knowing all your innermost thoughts without you having to say them outloud. You seem to want someone who is exactly like you and who you never have problems with. Unfortunately, life's made up of fallible people who have their own issues, crises and failings. And yet they can be soulmates.
Your expectations are very high and I don't think that anyone will be able to live up to them. You need to be more realistic about what you can rightfully ask from another and not expect them to be your be-all and end-all. "Deep emotional connection" can happen, but it's not going to happen all the time and it will not always be there when you want it to be.
Dealing with the crisis in NY, you were very vulnerable. Your girlfriend should have been super aware that you needed her more during this tumultuous time. Unfortunately, you didn't really give her a chance at it, you told her you were unhappy, and she didn't respond promply with the exact reaction that you wanted from her. Instead of trying again, you simply pushed her out and then wondered why you were even more unhappy with the results. Sometimes people are clueless and need to be given three or four shots at getting it right before they finally come through appropriately. This does not mean that she is not your soulmate, this means that you were expecting far too much from her.
I hope the best for you and I hope that everything works out.
-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com