Wanting my ex back.

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
Wanting my ex back.

My gf of nearly 3 years just broke up with me. It isn't the first time, we first broke up a few months ago when she couldn't deal with certain problems we've had in the past. For one, i am quite jealous, insecure (ive read tons on this now on your site), there were even instances of physical abuse on my part. She was overwhelmed by the symptoms of this (my constant asking for reassurance, affection etc.), her ability to trust me declined and she became confused, wanting to break up . She told me she couldn't bew wiht m;e and that i needed serious help. I went for that help, and the abusive behavior has certainly been dealt with. We did end up getting back together after , only to break up again (she was feeling too pressured and rushed into a relationship hthose times) The final time this happend she assured me that it wouldn't happen again and thatshe would stay with me because she loved me and realized that the relationship could be worked on. Both of us were undergoing major stress at this point (it all started during university finals for me, went through christmas vacation, which was a few weeks, and went well into another sememster) When we did get back together, though the abusive portion of hte relationship (there have been only a few instances, and they weren't out of anger. in any case the causes have been ascertained and dealt with. ) , however, my insercurities were still there; i constantly felt inadequate for her , and the fact that she broke up with me a few times further decreased my sense of adequacy.

For the past months that we've been back together, we've had difficulties in that i still ask for affection, need other reassurance that she loves me, i was still jealous about many things (guy friends, her goign to bars , thinking shes having more fun with those friends). One major issue lately has been that ever since weve gotten back , shes wanted me to go hang out with these friends at bars. My asking for reassurance affection(holding hands, kissing sometimes) has really annoyed her in these instances, and her friends were annoyed the last time we went, as we spoke and argued nearly the whole time. I have since learned a lot about jealousy, and realize a great deal of how wrong my behavior is, and i have spoken with her on means to improve this. Our communication had really improved as of late about these matter. In fact , the issue of insecurity was never properly dealt with before the first breakup; even the counsellor i had been seeing didn trealyl adress how to solve jealousy, saying that you should be with someone that makes u feel comfortable and secure instead.

Now, recently my ex(ex as of yesterday), got overwhelmed by all this again. We decided to have a break last week, as she called me over to break up with me, but also said she felt confused and that the decision wouldve been too rushed on her part. The truth is, she quickly has become very pessimistic about the relationship, saying its dead, saying we're different ppl, that our past is too much to deal with, that she doesnt see it getting better for us. This was a week after going to the counsellor i spoke about together (the counsellor suggested i bring her in). That week we had agreed to work as a team to fix out problems, becasue we both wanted to be together, and loved eachother. I don't see why the following week this negative behavir has stemmed, this doubt that she'll ever be happy wiht me has appeared. A few days into the break, she called me and broke up over the phone, still in a negative state about it all.(Note while all this was going on she has been really sick and depressed.)I'm really devasted, as this is the person i planned to spend the rest of my life with, and we both hoped and planned to be together forever.

She explained she has not fully dealt with the issues of abuse (though when we got back together months ago she told me she was over it and that she fully trusted me), and the whole affection/attention/reassurance issue that i was causing. Now all of these are issues i am willing to work on (ive followed the steps you've listed for jealousy, except those that require my partner),but im not sure how to help her for any concerns for abuse.

When we agreed to go on this break (because she was sick, overwhelmed by the past pain), she was to contact me when she was more postiitve and ready to work things out. She instead contacted me in that negative state and broke up with me. I would really like to be with her again, and i dont know what to do, how to handle the situation withouth pushing her in a more negative direction. This situation is almost exactly like the first time we broke up (where shes so upset she said she cant be with me either a) anymore b) right now , depending on when im talking to her.

What can i do to get back with her? (i dont nkow what to do , i really miss her and im confident taht if she was willing to work things out, we could have the perfect relationship where no insecurites are involved, and no issues of trust would exist. I know that it takes two to make the relationship work, but I really dont nkow if i should simply stop talkng to her at this point(which i really dont want to do ), or whether to express exactly how i feel some way or another(the only contact she seemst to ant to keep at this point is on MSN chat, but its only been a day. Another thing i forgot to mention is that shes afraid because she doesnt feel the desire to be affectionate and close with me (as of the past month), mainly because of me constantly asking, needing those things. This however scares her into thinking she doenst want me anymore, that we arent right for eachother etc.
I really want to be with her and im sure we can make it work, i just need to know she could get out of this sudden negative state shes gotten into (it was the same state that caused her to end the relationship last time.) i feel like shes giving up on the relationship at the point where we have all the resources and means to make it work out , when we have th ebest chance to fix things.

RomanceClass.com Advice
Sometimes it's darkest before the dawn. Things seem to be finally turning up and then they crash into a wall that you'd never seen coming. This seems to be a really tough time for you, and I don't blame you for being upset or frustrated by the whole thing.

A reason that I see for this sudden breakup is that things were finally open and down to the raw center and she got scared by the intensity and honesty that was demanded of both of you. So she closed off and broke it off rather than deal with it.

I can say that it's really hard to let go of a love, as you well know, so I don't think that this will be the last time you see her. Particularly since there was so much love for so long, and you were working together and working to make things better. That counts for a lot.

If the worst case happens and she doesn't return to you, then at least you have the bittersweet knowledge that the next relationship that you get in will be incredibly better than this one because you'll be starting on a higher level and you'll not have the bad baggage that you have with your current (ex)girlfriend. So there is a silver lining to this whole sad affair.

I wish you luck, and I'm glad this site has been helpful to you. I hope that everything works out for the best.

-- from Marc
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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